What Does It Look Like to Let It All Go?

The single most important thing that you can learn to do in this lifetime is to let it go. Let go of grudges, grief, broken heartedness, all the things that people told you that weren’t true that led to low self-esteem, all the things that helped you to create a version of yourself that isn’t true. 

 

Letting go is like purification. When we let go of the day at the end of the day, we live like puppies and babies. No matter what happens to them, it’s like they have no memory. Each day is a new day and they meet it full of enthusiasm and wonder. They let every day be a surprise, and if it’s not a great day, they let go of that and start again.

 

The world is always moving from empty to full, new to old, good to bad, and back again. When we hold on to our stuff, we stop that process, and we stop living. So living fully means letting things go.

 

Hi, I’m Laura Giles. Thank you for joining me on Let It Go Now. That’s the message of every episode because that’s truly how to live a vibrant, alive, authentic existence. Life is not about accumulating wealth, safety, or experiences, but if you look around at the way we westerners do it, that is what you would think.

 

Lots of kids don’t have to do any work around the house so they can focus on their schoolwork and sports. They do this so they can get into a good school and then get into a high paying career, so they can be comfortable and avoid all the hard things in life. 

 

Maybe little Johnny wants to wear the pink crocs with the green striped pants and polka dot shirt, but mom says, “No. You have to wear the designer clothes so you don’t get made fun of.” Since Johnny loves and trusts mom, he thinks that he is doing it wrong and learns to not trust himself. He learns how to conform.

 

Dad doesn’t understand when Janie wants to play with Legos and read books. He wants her to go to dance class and play the piano and can’t disguise his disappointment when she has no aptitude for that. So Janie ends up thinking that there must be something wrong with her.

 

This is the type of stuff I am talking about letting go of. We all have so much of this garbage. We might pick it up because our parents drill things into us over and over, or it might happen in one offhand remark. Most of it we are not even aware that we’re carrying it. Our baggage just becomes a part of our identity, so when we wake up every day feeling anxious or depressed and don’t really know why, those feelings just become another way that we convince ourselves that something is wrong with us. 

 

What’s wrong is that we’ve taken on too many supposed to’s and should’s that aren’t we aren’t even real. We’ve contorted ourselves into a caricature. We have to let those things go. Underneath all that programming is an amazing, authentic person who has so much life inside to share. I’m asking you to let that baggage go and let that woman or man out. 

 

The cool things is, everything can be learned, and I learned how to do this from my mom. I grew up in it. She was my example every day of my life. 

 

I always knew she was cool, but it wasn’t until I was sharing my story with someone else that I realized just how cool she was. I think everyone’s first love is their mom, and my mom was no different. I thought she was the prettiest, most amazing person in the world. I wanted to be just like her. I used to try on her clothes so I could imagine what it was like to be in her skin. I sat in her closet, inhaling her scent. 

 

She was a stay home mom, so anytime I needed her, she was there, but I didn’t really ask her for much. I grew up with what is called “free range parenting” today and what some view as neglectful, but really it was an experience of living in trust. 

And we could trust because I only knew of one woman on the street who worked. Every house had someone home looking out the window who would either handle it if I was out of line, or would tell my parents and let them handle it. We looked out for each other.

 

My mom is from a third world country. She grew up in a tribal society where life was hard, close to nature, and very connected. Everyone looked out for each other and nature provided. So there was a high degree of trust. And when you blend trust with responsibility, things go really well. 

 

From the time she was a toddler, she had to help grow her own food and provide for the very basic things that she needed, like clothes. If she didn’t, she would go without. So she learned responsibility.

 

Now I have been to the third world with others enough to know that one of the first things that a westerner thinks when they see this is “Oh, my God! How horrible. I have to give these poor people some money and the comforts that I have,” but I think that is the very thing that erodes the peace and harmony that indigenous people have. It destroys the very thing that westerners go to these places to experience.

 

My mom didn’t, and doesn’t know lack. She’s the least judgmental person that I know. You know, suffering really does come from your mind, and if you think you’re poor, you are. They all lived hand to mouth. Some days you have enough to eat, and some days you don’t. There is never extra, and you can’t hold on to it anyway because someone would steal it, so enjoy what you have while you have it, share it, and be grateful is how she rolls. She never thought of herself as poor. Her mind doesn’t work that way. It just was as it was. 

 

You might think that this would change once her fortunes changed, but it really didn’t. She is generous. If she has it, she gives it. Lots of indigenous cultures value generosity and see the one who dies with nothing because he’s given it all away as the richest person, the biggest person. She’s from that mindset.

 

And it’s not even a loss in her mind. She doesn’t keep score. She really is the most mindful person I know. All time is now. If someone did something wrong, you never hear about it again. I don’t think she has any grudges, but she does keep track of what she owes and will always pay. 

 

She lives in a community with other elders and in the pre-plastic days, they would borrow small amounts of money from each other for convenience. It’s like if I am at the store on the property and don’t have cash, you give it to me and I will get it back to you when I see you next. She was known to always pay. She never forgot or delayed. 

 

Once when she was back home and very poor, a shop keeper gave her something on credit that she couldn’t repay. When she came to America and had money to spend, she paid them back. It was a small amount. I am sure they long gave up on getting that money back, but she keeps a clean slate. If she owes, she pays. If she does something wrong, she makes amends. If she takes, she gives. It’s all very balanced. She’s lives a very debt free life, and I am not talking about money. It’s that too, but karmic debt. 

 

I am 100% sure that it’s not something she thinks about. It just happens as a result of a habit of living in sync with nature. 

 

I was on the balcony the other morning doing my breath work. I was in my zone and it began to rain. I wasn’t expecting it, and instead of getting upset about having my session interrupted and making it ruin my day like some people might, I smiled and enjoyed the warm summer blessing from the skies. 

 

That’s what I am talking about. She lives in that sense of surprise and wonder at what the next moment will bring without expecting or wanting it to be different.

 

She’s the most natural person I have ever seen, and by “natural” I mean pure, savage, not artificial, and as humans are designed to be. If she is tired, she sleeps. When she’s hungry, she eats. If she doesn’t want to be bothered, she will excuse herself or just not be available. 

 

She’s never studied Buddhism, but she’s the most Buddhist person I’ve ever seen. She’s not into self development and doesn’t think about enlightenment or self improvement. She doesn’t meditate. If you live mindfully, you don’t have to do any of those things because the act of living in the moment gives you all the teaching and self correction that you need. Life is a teacher. Nature is your teacher. Just pay attention.

 

My mom is curious. She reads a ton, but she’s not an intellectual. If you ask her a question, she’s probably going to give you a very simple Forrest Gump type answer. She doesn’t overthink anything.

 

Another astounding way that this shows up is that my mom has a fully sensory memory with incredible recall. She remembers things as pictures with sound, taste, and smells. My belief is that we become conscious and begin to remember when we choose to commit to our physical existence and lose that tether to the Otherworld. 

 

So for most of us, that’s between the ages of 3 and 5. My mom remembers things from when she was preverbal. The first time I had a fully sensory memory that I could recall at will with all the senses intact, was not that long ago. Maybe ten years. You can’t recall what you don’t experience, and I am rarely present with my whole being the way she is on a daily basis.

 

Now I might be sounding like I’m making her out to be a saint. She’s a real person. She gets angry, but her anger is quick to show and quick to die. She doesn’t hold on to anything, and it’s rare that she’s emotional. She’s pretty even keel most of the time.

 

She doesn’t put herself on a pedestal. She won’t put you on one either, and she also doesn’t allow others to put her down. She’s super grounded. She knows who she is and knows her place. It has nothing to do with social constructs around money or stuff. She exudes an attitude of “I belong and you belong.”

 

And maybe this is why people really like her. Everywhere she goes, she stands out. People know her by name and like her. They look out for her. And she’s not like a big personality who is loud and demonstrative. She can laugh with all her heart and soul, but she’s pretty self contained and chill most of the time. 

 

This was true when she was a child, too. She has told me some stories that make my hair stand on end. She’s put herself in situations that I would say are dangerous, but it’s like she has a bubble of safety around her that follows her wherever she goes because she trusts. That’s so meaningful. And it can’t be put on. If it’s fake, it will backfire.

 

Have you seen the movie Moll Flanders? There are two versions that I know of and they are very different. I am talking about the Robin Wright version. In that movie, Moll is like this. She’s natural, unselfconscious and giving. Moll’s mother was imprisoned when she was pregnant with Moll and hanged after giving birth, so Moll was reared in a church orphanage. She stabs a priest with a knitting needle when he tries to fondle her and runs away. 

 

She ends up being taken in by this comfortable couple who believe in doing for those who have less. They start cultivating her to learn art, music, how to set a table, and the things that refined ladies do. One of the things that they do is charitable works. In those days, it was fashionable to take a basket of food to the poor or serve in ways that you could because the feudal system had collapsed and the poor were seen as a threat to a stable society. It was also about being a good Christian. 

 

Anyway, they go to a prison to give bread to the inmates on Christmas, and Moll’s goodness draws attention. They are all doing good works, but Moll’s efforts are coming from her heart and this is an energy that everyone can feel. 

 

The daughters of the house are jealous. They don’t want to be outshone by a girl from the streets, but it happens again. They plot to demonstrate their superior qualities over dinner. They play a beautiful song- one on the piano and the other on a violin. Moll is so moved that she gets up and dances with such freedom and abandonment that she steals the spotlight. 

 

Again, it’s not contrived. It’s just her being unselfconscious and real, and it stabs the sisters in the heart. They can’t take it. They have to one up her, so they sell their Christmas jewels and go into a rough area of town to give money to the needy and end up being raped. 

 

I bring this up to illustrate that my mom is like Moll Flanders, but if you are like the two daughters, you may only see the superficial stuff and think that it’s a paint by number that if you do this and that, you will get the same type of vibe and outcome.

 

If you do that, you’re missing the point. There are underlying things that I think people who shine have in common, but it’s not about what they are doing, but why they are doing it. Moll’s just being herself. She’s leading with her heart. That’s what my mom does. That is who she is.

 

My mom doesn’t have the rhythm and grace that most people would find applause worthy, but when she dances, she dances with her whole heart. 

 

I had my first birthday party when I was 13. Back then you didn’t get a birthday party for every birthday, and there wasn’t  a party to go to every month - at least not in the circles that I traveled in, so this was a big deal. Everybody was there. It was a giant hit that people talked about years later and still sometimes comes up among me and my friends. 

 

My mom left us all downstairs in the basement to do our thing, and I went upstairs - maybe to go to the bathroom or something - and there she is with my big sister and my best friends’ cousin dancing. My sister’s got some satin disco pants on and they are doing some dance fever moves. I was in shock.

 

So we took everybody down to the basement to dance together, and all my friends were dying. Those who didn’t already know her fell in love with her.

 

We had the Kool-Aid house, minus the Kool-Aid. We didn’t drink Kool-Aid growing up, but everybody was at our house. It was an open door to anyone. This wasn’t just my mom. My dad was like this, too.

 

I have a lot of brother’s and sisters, so there were always tons of kids at my house, and always something going on. I didn’t realize this at the time, but we took in strays. Some of my friends were in neglectful homes so they stayed at my house a lot rather than going home. I just thought we were hanging out, but I can look back now and see that it was more than that. It was a place of safety.

 

I do that now. Ever since I had my own household, Thanksgiving is a time of sharing with those who have nowhere to go. When I lived in an area where there was a military base, it would usually be servicemen and women who weren’t going home. Sometimes these would be complete strangers that I didn’t meet until that day. 

 

When I had a meetup group, it would sometimes be someone who was new in town and was far from family. We once hosted this guy who was either from China or Taiwan and had never done a Thanksgiving before. My mom still remembers him and asks me almost every Thanksgiving if he’s coming to dinner. I didn’t know that guy from Adam, but that’s how we roll. If I have, you have. 

 

And if I’m having a good time, I want to share that with you. This is why I starting facilitating spiritual travel. I think that’s the best way to experience what I am talking about. It’s an energy. And if you’ve never had it, talking about it is very superficial. You really can’t get it until you experience it.

 

And even then, you might not really get it. In the beginning, I thought sacred travel was about the places. The places matter. Each place is a power place that is easy to feel and connect with. Each place helps you to balance your energies and feel what’s inside. But in the beginning, once I left, the incredible high would diminish after a while and I’d have to go back to get it again. I wasn’t really getting that it’s not about the place. It’s about what I am bringing to the space, and that part is always there.

 

So, I’m telling you all these things because I am not unique. My mom is not unique. I think my gigantic advantage is that I grew up with her as a role model day in and day out. I think her massive advantage is that she grew up with a culture of this.

 

She’s animist. If you know me from Pan Society, you know that I’m animist. I don’t just talk about stuff. In fact, a lot of what I do is unconscious and I don’t think about it at all. It’s only when people ask me questions that I think about it, dig deep inside to construct a way to talk about it, that it even becomes conscious at all. So ask me questions. Think about your most pressing issue and write it in the comments.

 

And another thing that makes all this visible is stories. My mom is old. I am very aware that my time with her is slipping away and there is still so much she has to teach me, so every time I see her, I ask her to tell her stories. The content of the stories doesn’t really matter as much as the time we spend connecting. They also don’t matter as much as the context they give me to make conscious what I’ve seen in her my whole life.

 

My mom is kind of scary. She doesn’t observe the social conventions that a lot of people do. This makes her a little unpredictable. If she’s done with talking to you, she’s out of here. No apologies or excuses. She’s just done. 

 

If you’re messing with her kids or anyone small, she’s vicious. She won’t jump in on a fight that you should handle yourself. When we were little, my siblings and I were always scrapping and wrestling. Sometimes for fun, sometimes not. My mom never got in the middle of that. She made us figure out our own stuff, but if it was an outsider bullying or overstepping, she was there before I could blink.

 

She’s so spontaneous and in the moment. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her apologize for anything, and typically that would not be a good thing. People need to take responsibility for their stuff. 

 

I’m not talking about that. It’s more like she’s just always in a space of acceptance and now. So, if she’s done something, she will right it before there is even any sense of imbalance. I’m still trying to figure out how she does that. I’m not really sure, but there is this constant sense of order around her that makes her a very safe person to be with.

 

I have never felt judged or less than in my family. I have never felt shamed - well, no. I have once. That wasn’t with my mom, though, that was my dad. My brother and I were in this store and he asked me to hold his toy. So I put it in my pocket. A little while later, he gave me another one. Now I’m starting to catch on that he’s stealing. I didn’t recognize the first toy, but didn’t think too much of it. I definitely didn’t recognize the second one, but there wasn’t even time to react. We got busted and the store detective called my parents over the loud speaker.

 

Oh my God. I was so embarrassed. I had to look them in the face and live with what I had done. When we got home, I thought I was going to get torn up. My dad didn’t lecture me. He didn’t shame me. He asked me what I was thinking. I don’t really remember the conversation at all, but I remember the feelings. I felt like letting my dad down was one of the worst experiences of my life, and I never wanted to be a disappointment in his eyes. I never wanted to feel outside of his good graces.

 

He must have seen that in my eyes, because that was the end of the conversation. He knew he didn’t have to do anything more. It was righted. I was back in alignment with my values - and he was right. That was never an issue again, nor was anything remotely like it ever an issue.

 

My parents were really supportive. They trusted me. They let me lead myself. The rules were firm, fair, and consistent, and my parents worked as a team. 

 

I have only seen my parents fight once. Ever. And they are divorced, so that’s saying something. They have always been a team. I learned by example to honor my parents and parenthood in general. The big picture is that we’re a family, and this is sacred space. This is the sanctuary. If you get sloppy with that, your whole life is like a leaky boat that is in danger of sinking.

 

There are certain responsibilities to belonging and you have to honor the people you share space with as well as honor the space itself. 

 

When I started going to school, I think one of the reasons why I was so shy as a kid is that I didn’t see that structure when I left home. People were an enigma to me. I didn’t understand why they did what they did. It didn’t make sense.

At home, things were logical, predictable, harmonious and natural. Outside was a free for all. It wasn’t until I went into my first psychology class that I realized that there was order in the madness as well and that people still had needs and still wanted the same things, but because of the lack of structure, skills, and safety, they were just not being very effective at meeting those needs. 

 

If I can’t say no for fear of rejection, I am going to get run over a lot. We were allowed to have our own opinions in my house. My dad was on the debate team in college and loved a lively conversation and still does. He wanted to know what we thought and why, so we learned how to back up what we were saying, stand for something, and back down when we were wrong. 

 

We also learned how to agree to disagree. It wasn’t really about being right. It was more about “did you think this through?” 

 

If I can’t speak up for fear of being kicked out the tribe, I am also going to keep a lot inside. That was never a thought in my childhood. Both my parents are fiercely pro-family. Not in a “you can do no wrong,” codependent kind of way, but in a “no matter what, this is your family” kind of way.

Like in every family, there are some shady characters in my family. Everybody knows who they are, and it’s up to each of us to create the boundaries that we feel comfortable with. And those people still belong. You can’t get kicked off the island. We are the island. We’re inseparable. That might sound dysfunctional and clannish from the outside looking in, and I don’t mean it that way at all. It’s more of an awareness that I’m a part of you. You’re a part of me, and to deny you is to deny me.

 

It’s that way with every human. It’s just a matter of degree. It’s also that way with all of nature. It’s just a matter of degree. 

 

Family is closest in blood, and if your family is straight, the rest of your relationships are probably in better shape, too. 

 

I think humans are the hardest thing to have relationships with, in some ways, because we all want different things. We believe differently. The relationships are more dynamic and responsive, so if I do something that negatively impacts you, I feel it more immediately. If I do something that negatively impacts my flowers, I can see the impact of it, but I don’t feel it in the same way. Flowers are not humans. Flowers and humans don’t experience the world the same, but all people do. 

 

But whether your relationship with nature or humans is stronger, I think having a good relationship with one can foster a great relationship with the other. I don’t really see nature as separate, so it’s funny to be speaking of humans as if we are different. I don’t think we are. I hope I am not conveying that, it’s just the limits of English - or maybe the limits of my usage of it.

 

And if you see yourself as separate, that will show up in how you interact with the world. My mom grew up with a garden. Plants are life and medicine. And she is always planting stuff somewhere. She just fills space with life. And it doesn’t even matter if she’s going to eat it. She’s like a Johnny Appleseed. She will plant food somewhere for someone else to eat it, just so that it’s an option.

 

She used to live across the street from this gas station and they had a little strip of uncultivated space underneath a street lamp. She planted tomatoes there. 

 

I’ve never heard either one of my parents gossip. They don’t care about what other people are doing and don’t care what other people think about what they are doing. Just imagine how much easier life is when you don’t play in other people’s garbage. When she talks, it’s because she has something to say, and if she doesn’t have anything to say, she’s silent. She doesn’t have to fill the space. So she’s super easy to be around.

 

When we were little, we had the most amazing grapes in the backyard. I caught the neighbor boy jumping the fence and stealing grapes, so I told my mom. She was like, “leave that boy alone, and let him eat.” I was like, “well, alright!” She sees and respects boundaries, so it’s not like the fence has no meaning for her, but the greater value is that if someone is hungry, feed them. She lives by values, not by rules.

 

So, we show up in everything we do. If your heart is peaceful, there is trust. If you live in fear, you’ll see a lot of control and armoring. And like the girls in Moll Flanders, that will bring unpleasant surprises because your heart, mind, and gut have to be in alignment. If they are not, you will make choices that aren’t effective.

 

So, I am not saying my mom is perfect or her life is problem free. I don’t know what her internal environment is like. I can only speak for the outside and tell you how people respond to her. And people are good to her. They look out for her. They give her a lot of leeway and trust her. 

 

And I can share that my experience of life is one of abundance, safety, blessings, and ease. I have not had the common problems that other people have. I don’t think that I am special or blessed. I think that I paid attention to the examples I was given and adopted healthy habits that work. I live from my values. I think everyone can learn this.

 

My mom is indigenous. She’s animist. I am too. I am seeing a lot of people jumping on the shamanism/animism bandwagon who are missing the forest for the trees. You can absolutely do this as a devout Christian or even atheist because it’s not about labels. We are all humans.

 

It’s not about practices or rituals. All that is fine if it gives you structure and a container, but if it gets too rigid and codified, or if it becomes about chasing peak experiences or making you feel like you’re above other people, you will lose sight of the important thing, and that is integrity and authenticity. If you are in integrity with yourself, there is no way to be out of alignment with nature and everything else. It’s all connected.

 

So you can’t cheat one person to gain something for yourself. The scales don’t balance. You can’t lie. Lies are lies to yourself. We’re all one and what you know, on some level, the universe knows. You can’t be out of love with yourself unless you’re not conscious. You are love. If you can’t see the love in me, you won’t be able to see it in yourself. Not because I’m particularly fabulous, but because we are mirror for each other.

 

So look in the mirror. See the love. See it in the golden rays of the sunrise, the worms that wiggle out after a hard rain, and the honking of horns in an exhaust filled, rush hour afternoon. It’s everywhere. 

 

And if your childhood didn’t have the things I talked about and it makes it hard to imagine, it’s okay. You can start now by surrounding yourself with the brightest people that you know. These are actual people, not virtual ones ideally. We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with so upgrade. If you need a new crew, I have a private group in mewe of people who are cultivating what I’m talking about. Check the show notes for more on that.

 

If you have that one friend who is a wreck that you just don’t want to let go of because she’s your ride or die, that’s fine. Find three or four more to balance things out because naughty girls need love, too.

 

The other thing you can do is hang out with me. If you have ever had an ah ha moment where you heard of something and thought you understood it, and then something happens and it clicks on a whole different level, this is why I’m saying you have to experience the safety and authenticity to really get it. It’s not something you can always see from the outside. I would imagine that to some people, my mom looks like an eccentric or a freak. I mean, she’s planting tomato plants at the gas station. You’ve got to go beneath the surface and savor the experience.

 

So there are lots of ways to hang out with me. For starters, you can become a member of my community where you can ask me questions, share your journey with me and others, and just let us know how you’re doing. Practice being seen. 

 

In person is better. I’m always doing some type of workshop, gathering, retreat, or tour, so just check out the website for what’s happening now.

 

Another thing you can do is get to know your parents and yourself to find the light of truth and authenticity in your family and yourself. Last Father’s Day I created the Story Keeper’s journal as a gift to my father. But I think it was more of a gift to myself. The book is for getting to know the stories that shaped your people or yourself. It’s a way of seeing into the mirror to create understanding, compassion, and relationship. Their story is your story. You are them. They are you. Get to know the good stuff. It gives you strength and pride and makes your roots strong.

 

And I want to close with one more thought. If you listened to what I said about my childhood and are feeling sad because you didn’t have that, there are two things to remember. The first is that my childhood didn’t stop undesirable things from happening. It just made it easier to cope, so everyone has their garbage. It’s just different garbage. And bigger than that, no matter what you came from, you have what it takes to shine. Right now.

 

My mom is exceptional because she came with little garbage, picks up little garbage, and cleans it up before it can accumulate. But the light that she shines belongs to everybody. You have it too. 

 

Alright? The link for the Story Keepers Journal is on the website at letitgonow.net, just click the “store” link and you can find that and any other product I’ve mentioned in any podcast there. Hope you enjoy it. See you guys next week, and until then, let that stuff go.