Making Peace With the Mother (Archetype)

Mother’s Day is coming up, and it’s a great time to talk about our relationship with the Mother archetype and think about our relationships with our own mothers, so when the day comes, we can honor it with peace in our hearts.

Hi, I’m Laura Giles. Welcome to Surviving to Thriving where we talk about earthlings can create meaningful, connected relationships because we really can’t thrive without them, and the most essential relationship is the one with your mother. You and she are the same person for 9 months. Her food, oxygen, blood, thoughts, and emotions are all yours. If she’s happy, you’re happy. If she’s hungry, you’re hungry. She can only give you what she has, so if she was malnourished in her pre-conception days, guess what? You are being incubated with a disadvantage that you may not be able to overcome. So, mom is the most important thing in your life. Her choices determine your future.

But looking around at our society, I’d say lots of people didn’t have it so good with their mom. Child-free by choice is growing. According to 2date4love.com, the rate of child-free women in the 1970s was 10%. It is now almost twice that. Women with master’s degrees or doctorates have higher rates than those with less education, so there is a financial and career component to that choice. People say they are choosing child-free lives to have more time for themselves, because they have no childcare, because it’s too expensive, and because they don’t have a partner. There isn’t a statistic for this that I saw, but I know from a lot of my clients that people are also avoiding parenthood because they say they had such a rough time of it that they don’t want to ruin someone else’s life. The responsibility is too great and the cost of failure is too high.

So, let’s look at some of the ways that we got it wrong. For one thing, I blame toxic feminism. I’m not saying all feminism is toxic, but the form where women beat up on men and made men the enemy is horrible. In the 80s there were a lot of movies about women in the workplace, equal pay, and how women can be the equal to men, or even superior. There were a lot of messages that men were bad and women could and should dominate the man’s world by out manning the man.

So, lots of women followed that beating drum and the cost was born by the women themselves and their children. Women are not men. We have different cycles than men. Men follow the sun and the 24-hour cycle. They get up with the sun and their energy rises and sets with the sun. Women follow the moon. Most of us cycle with the new moon. It’s a time of resting, which is why so many cultures had menstrual huts where the women went during their cycle to rest. It’s not because we are unclean. Our energy level is lower then.

I can always tell when I am hiking. Sometimes I scoot uphill like a gazelle, and other times I have to drag myself up a hill. If I think about the moon phase, I can see why.

A woman can’t keep up the stress of go, go, go and have a normal, healthy menstrual cycle. Intense, prolonged stress isn’t good for anyone, but for someone who may carry a child, it can be health destroying for mother and baby.

The womb is the cradle of life. If you take care of the womb, you can have a healthy baby and the makings of a healthy society. But the Mother is only half of the equation. If mom is going to take time off to breast feed her baby, which is the healthiest way to rear a child, she has to trust that the Father is going to take care of her and the child while she is not earning.

Putting her career on the back burner is making herself financially vulnerable. If she can’t learn or earn, she has to be sure that the Father will provide and protect her and their child. This isn’t his burden. It’s his joy. If it’s not his joy and he isn’t up to the task, perhaps he shouldn't have kids. This is why they wait so long in the Middle East. 

The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world. If you take care of mama, she will take care of the kids, Daddy, and society can be healthy and happy. So, it’s not a one way responsibility. Mom takes care of Dad and the kids too, just in a different way. Toxic feminism destroyed all thoughts of that.

Toxic feminism also rejects motherhood. I was talking to some feminists who held the position that you don’t have to be a mother to be fully female. True. But they took it a step further and were demonizing motherhood as the thing that makes women weak. I can’t even explain that perspective to you because I don’t understand it, but any defense against something that goes in the extreme opposite direction is still a reflection of the same thing. We don’t fight the negatives of motherhood by demonizing motherhood. We fix what’s wrong. 

It’s not an us or them thing. Life can’t continue without mothers, so I really don’t understand demonizing motherhood just because you choose a child-free life or one is thrust upon you.

Toxic patriarchy also destroyed the Mother archetype with the same type of thinking. It’s like “there can be only one” and the men took the power and made women property - literally. Women couldn’t vote. They couldn’t own property in some cases. They could be beaten, and in some time periods and cultures, even killed by the father or husband, if they displeased them. In some cultures, children belonged to the man - no question. So for most of the last 2,000 years at least, to be born a woman was to be limited. You better latch on to a kind man with a solid work ethic or your life would be short and miserable. This type of society definitely didn’t honor the Mother, and it contributed to women being pitted against other women to compete for male attention and resources. The only way to power and to have safety was through a powerful, wealthy man. 

Another force in modern life is medicine. Up until the 1930s, most births were done at home. Once childbirth was made into a medical procedure, doctors took that away from women, too. We were no longer the experts on our bodies or the way we functioned, and motherhood was no longer something sacred or natural. 

All of this contributed to the destruction of the Mother Archetype because women had no power. The Mother’s power, her awesomeness, came from the womb. Life flows from the womb. The Mother is the creator, nurturer, and the symbol of unconditional love. She is devotion, caring, empathy, and compassion - she has to be because the stars, moon, and sun - the entire universe is her creation. If birth is mundane, if it’s just a scientific, medical procedure, then the destruction of the Mother is complete. 

But society needs the Mother and all her beautiful, wonderful attributes. We can’t give what we don’t have. We can’t emulate what we haven’t seen, and with the disappearance of the Mother in all her glory comes the expression of the Dark Mother. All archetypes have the healthy expression, and the high and low sides.

When the Mother energy is low, she’s neglectful. Neglect is the persistent failure to meet a child’s basic needs. This can mean emotional or physical needs. This could mean that the child is skipping school and nobody knows or cares, so he doesn’t get a decent education. Maybe there is no food or clothes or electricity, or it’s only present sometimes. Maybe they need medical or dental attention and don’t get it. When a kid brings home their art project or good grades and nobody sees it or cares, that’s neglect. When they are yelled at or cursed at, that’s neglect, and this is the most common, and most under reported type of abuse. 

Since nobody’s leg is broken and there are no bruises, this gets overlooked, but this child has a high risk of being taken advantage of, having mental health issues, having poor relationships in the future, and getting involved with drugs or alcohol. And so the cycle just continues because these people are much more likely to be poor parents. 

One of the ways that people who came from this type of background compensate for this history is to overdo the Mother energy. When Mother energy is too much, it’s smothering. It’s the helicopter parent, and this is just as bad. This Mother babies the child. She doesn’t let him think or do anything, so they grow up feeling helpless and have no self-esteem. Her love is poison. She devours the child by over-praising and making him a prince or princess. This is the stage mother who lives vicariously through the child and tries to give him the parent she wishes she’d had. 

This usually comes from love, but sometimes it comes from a controlling, perfectionistic nature. If I want my child to look perfect, I can’t let him dress himself because he’s going to pick the wrong clothes and might look sloppy. It’s easier to just do it myself. It will take 2 minutes for me to do it, but it might take him 10 or 15 minutes. 

The role of the Mother is to rear healthy offspring so they can reproduce and continue the species. If the child isn’t self-supporting and emotionally healthy, they’re not as capable of doing that, so the Mother hasn’t fulfilled her role. It’s not about having beautiful children, perfect children, or children who will love you back. 

That’s why the role of Mother is so hard. Babies don’t love you. I know sometimes girls have babies young because they yearn for unconditional love, but babies don’t give that. Babies are demanding, selfish creatures, who take, take, take. They are sloppy, noisy, and inconsiderate. Then they turn into teenagers who challenge you so they can find themselves. And that’s how it’s supposed to be. Kids aren’t born to serve us, love us, or be reflections of us. They are born to be who THEY are, so taking on the role of Mother is hard. 

Then you also consider that the needs of the child often conflict with the needs of the Mother. I have already talked about how the Mother’s career gets put on the back burner. So do her desires for self-development and her romantic life with dad. So, Mother is a role of sacrifice. If the Mother gets anything from her children, the big payoff doesn’t come until years later usually.

This is why when we see bad things happen in fairy tales, it’s always the wicked step-mother who perpetrates them. Or the old witch. No true Mother would ever harm her babies. She’s creation itself! It just couldn’t be borne. If there is some wickedness afoot, it had to be done by someone who didn’t give birth to these adorable, innocent, little children, but of course, it does happen.

To heal all the damage that I’ve talked about already, I think we need to accept the Mother in all her forms, not just her idealized, or healthy one. Mother’s are people, too. They have dreams. They are lusty. They can be selfish, ignorant, lazy, and tired. If we can’t see them as whole people, we will continue to suffer with Mother Hunger, which is the desire for the perfect mother who nurtures, protects, and guides you unconditionally. If you are an adult with a mother like that, she’s probably neglected her own needs, and that’s not good either. We all have to learn to balance the needs of the me with the needs of the we. 

Women are more than baby making machines. We’re whole people. And the way for mothers and children to heal that family relationship is for all parties to accept the wholeness and to fulfill their roles in a more healthy way. 

For that, we need a cultural shift. Like everybody, I had problems growing up, but for the most part, it was like water flowing off a duck’s back because my mom was at home. I totally took that for granted. I never thought about her role in my life because she was always there. She was there because my dad was a good provider. He backed her up. They stood together as a team.

And my siblings and I weren’t on some travel sports team or doing some activity every day where they were driving us here and there all the time, so they had time for each other. They had time to keep up with what we were doing in school. We did without some things, but the things that mattered were always there.

I never had a babysitter a day in my life. I’ve never been to daycare. I had the freedom to explore and to make mistakes. If I wanted something, I had to earn it. So I grew up learning responsibility. Everything wasn’t given to me or done for me. I learned empathy, delayed gratification, and how to solve problems. My parents said no, a lot. I learned how to accept no and respect boundaries. So, I was neither spoiled nor neglected. I didn’t expect to have their standard of living at 18. I expected to work my way there. When other people had more than I did, I didn’t pout about it. I worked harder to get there. So unconditional love doesn’t mean “give them everything.” It means love even when others don’t agree, aren’t the kindest, or are making mistakes.

The Mother archetype has been blackened, and if we want to have a healthy relationship with life, we have to heal our relationship with her. She is the vessel through which life comes.

So, to do that, I would think about that magnificent power. Be in awe of it. Gaia is the earth mother. She is the mother of all life on Earth. Most pagan festivals revolved around the continuation of life. They are for fertility, fecundity, the hunt, and the harvest - all which ensure survival. The Mother creates life. The Father sustains life by providing the seed, protecting, and providing. 

In tribal cultures, everything revolved around the survival of the species. Life’s easy now. Our physical survival isn’t particularly threatened. It’s so easy that we can forget the most fundamental things, so create something. Nurture it from a seed. See how hard it is. You may get really good at it if you continue to practice, but when you start out, you will see how many mistakes you make as you figure things out. You will see how fragile it is, and then begin to realize how amazing the Mother really is.

If you are an artist, perhaps you redraw the same hand 10 times before it looks the way you want it to look, and that’s just the hand! There is still the whole rest of the person to finish! I went vegan for a 30 day cleanse. I didn’t have the hang of creating tasty vegan meals by the end of it. I could create something to eat, but it wasn’t particularly edible. Creating things is hard.

Now think about the miracle of life. That happens over and over again flawlessly. That’s the power of the Mother. That's not a small thing. Only when we, as a society, reclaim the reverence for that will the Mother energy be healthy again. Life is a relationship. The Mother can’t be healthy if we have no awareness or respect for her. 

She shouldn’t be on a pedestal. That is one of the things that leads to women not wanting to follow in her footsteps. The bar is too high. But she should be held in the esteem that she deserves. When we honor life in all forms, appreciate our food, grow food, give respect to mothers who stay home with their children and breastfeed them, and engage in business practices that allow for parents to have the flexibility to be good parents, we are honoring the Mother. It’s a relationship. She can be all of what she is in her fullness when we honor her individually and socially. If we want healthy Mother energy in our society, we have to nurture that.

Now, let’s say that we’re talking about your own mother. If she let you down in some way, how do you repair that relationship? First, I didn’t use to say this, but now I give a disclaimer. The first rule of any relationship is safety. If a relationship is toxic, keep your distance, do your own healing work, and maybe let the relationship go. If something endangers your ability to maintain your own equilibrium, it’s best to let it go. It’s like being close to someone who is drowning. You can see the tragedy happening in front of you. You feel for them, but if you go in to save them, you risk being taken down with them. In their panic, they aren’t in their right mind. It’s all about survival, and trying to be near them could cost you your own sanity or life. So, know that if you try to engage with that, you risk drowning with them.

So healing your relationship with your mother isn’t about her. It’s about you. It’s about forgiveness and letting go. Find the thing that you wish was different, and let that go. If you wanted her to be more invested in you, kinder, have more money, prettier, or more available, let it go. It is what it is. She can’t give what she didn’t have. She probably didn’t have a great relationship with her mother or the Mother archetype. Hurt people hurt people, and it’s not fair to expect someone to be something that they are not.

She may get there some day, but she didn’t have it when you were little. Maybe she doesn’t have it now. But if you get it, the next generation doesn’t have to be burdened with that. 

What I am saying is to practice nonjudgment. Nature is not judgmental. Things are as they are. Day turns to night. Cats eat mice. Things die. Every acorn doesn’t become a tree. Summer ends. Life is the way it is. Everything isn’t nice and isn’t meant to be. Life is hard. When we have both toughness and softness, we are best equipped to thrive. 

You could also be grateful to your mother. Maybe she didn’t give you what you wanted or needed, but how did that benefit you? Do you have an amazing relationship with your grandmother? Did it teach you self-reliance? Did it give you a fabulous bullshit detector or great boundaries? Are you super creative and can come up with solutions on the fly? Did it inspire you to learn how to love in healthy ways? Not to be cliche, but there is a silver lining in every cloud. Find yours. 

Step into your own Mother energy and nurture yourself. The blessing of archetypes is that the energy is available to everyone. You don’t need someone else to give this to you. Give yourself what you didn’t get. The compassion that you give to others inflates your heart and not only makes it okay for you, but for others, because the light inside shines outward. It gives hope and love and care for others. Be the embodiment of Gaia. Be the Mother and it won’t matter how well your human mother mothered you. A Dark mother can teach just as well as a healthy one.

My suggestion for Mother’s Day is to honor your mother, yourself, and Gaia in a way that is like giving a toast to that energy. Find what you love about the creator of life, the womb, the vessel, and pay tribute to that in some way. Plant a tree. Create something. Write a heartfelt poem. Do something that resonates with your authentic feelings and honors the wonder that is life.

Let me know in the comments how you observe Mother’s Day. I am sure we could all use some ideas. I’m Laura Giles for Surviving to Thriving. Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there. If the show inspires you or helps you, please subscribe. And if you’d like some help in your journey to creating healthier relationships throughout your life, check out my free online community. The link is in the show notes. Thanks, guys! See you next week.