Let Go of Lousy Lovers

When I was a child, I loved reading fairy tales. Especially the ones about the princess who falls in love in an instant, is somehow rescued by a Prince, and lives happily ever after. That’s the diet that we are fed as children, and as romantic as it sounds, that’s a set up for failure because that’s not love. That’s not life. 

I’m so glad that I had different examples of what love is in real life because we are taught how to love. It’s not something that happens to us. It’s a way of moving in the world. It’s a way of being. So, in my podcast today, I am going to ask you, “Are you a Good Lover?” At the end of it, I think you will know. And if that answer is a no, I am going to invite you to let go of the barriers that block the love that flows abundantly all around us and let your love flow.

Hi, I’m Laura Giles. “Let It Go Now” podcast is all about helping people let go of the things that stand in the way of happiness, success, and meaningful relationships. When we remove all our baggage, the road ahead flows freely and easily and we can be our authentic selves.

If you like the podcast, please subscribe and review us on iTunes or wherever you are listening because it helps us improve our ratings so that others can find us too.

So let’s start the conversation on love by listening to what Khalil Gibran has to say about it in his poem “On Love.” He wrote:

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.

     And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon

them. And with a great voice he said:

     When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep.

     And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

     Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

     And when he speaks to you believe in him,

     Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

     For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth

so is he for your pruning.

     Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver

in the sun,

     So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

                                       •

     Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

     He threshes you to make you naked.

     He sifts you to free you from your husks.

     He grinds you to whiteness.

     He kneads you until you are pliant;

     And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for

God’s sacred feast.

     All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your

heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

     But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,

     Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,

     Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,

and weep, but not all of your tears.

                                      •

     Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

     Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

     For love is sufficient unto love.

     When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am

in the heart of God.”

     And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, 

directs your course.

     Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

     But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

     To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

     To know the pain of too much tenderness.

     To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

     And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

     To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

     To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;

     To return home at eventide with gratitude;

     And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise

upon your lips.

That’s what I am talking about. For most of us, that is not what we are doing, is it? If you're going to fall in love, you really need to know a little something about what love is. You need to erase the fairy tale notion that love is about being swept off your feet, sitting back and eating bon bons for the rest of your life. It's rough, emotional, heart wrenching, and destructive. It's also insanely vivifying. Taking on love takes immense courage.

Each time you feel something new- whether it’s desirable or undesirable, let yourself imagine one of the spokes on that journey. Even the hard ones. Yearn for it. Welcome it. Because in that space of gratitude, you will be fully alive. And that’s when we shine our brightest. 

Now that you know what love is, choose it. Choose to let it come into your heart without judgment. It doesn't have to be wrapped in a certain package. It doesn't have to last any particular amount of time. Let it surprise you. When it knocks, say yes. If it's comes on the soft rays of sunlight streaming through the leaves in the morning, let it take your breath away. If it's the sweet smell of chocolate truffles beckons you to take a bite, surrender.

Invitations to love are all around us. Love doesn't just happen between people. It doesn't come only when it's convenient. If we want more of it, we have to see it when it arrives and let it in.

Want a suggestion on how to practice this? Start your day by looking in the mirror. Not with a critical eyes, but with loving ones. See your vulnerabilities, past history, wrinkles, mistakes, and send love to them all. Your life path is not something to hide. It's part of who you are and what makes you unique and beautiful. Love it. So send love to yourself. 

Love exists here, now, today. It's not in the past. Love's not waiting for you somewhere out there. It's right here, right now. You don't have to do anything to get it. It's already here. So be here. 

Love what's here. Delight in what you bring to it. Do you like making things pretty? Dress it up. Do you like making things functional? Show your love in that way. Are you more of someone who appreciates what you love? Look around and spy what amazing things are already here that you can enjoy.

As you look, you will see things that aren't awesome, lovely, or pretty. Accept them as they are. Don't try to change a thing. Not in yourself. Not outside of yourself. If you can see love here, you can see it anywhere. This is a really valuable lesson because love doesn't need to have a calm, pleasant, beautiful, warm environment to live. It is everywhere.

If you are not feeling love, give some. Love increases when you give it away. So give it away in your smile, your kindness, a song, a gift. You don't have to spend money to be loving. In fact, often bought gifts are less valuable than free ones. So why not make it a practice to give away three heartfelt compliments per day and see how your life changes. Find something wonderful three times a day and verbally acknowledge them with a, "What pretty voice you have!" or a "You are so thoughtful!"

Falling in love is easy. Staying there takes practice. So practice giving it away in small increments until your being just oozes with it. Love is something that we are. To feel it, all we have to do is get out of the way.

If this isn’t your way of being yet, Don't worry. Your DNA is embedded with it. You were created with it. All you have to do is remember. So let's go on that journey back in time.

Remember when you were just a wee baby? You held up your hands in wonder looking at them, turning them over, moving them, gazing at the lines in your skin. They fascinated you.

When you realized that you could make a spit bubble, you pursed your lips, blew, and felt the bubble grow. You laughed when the bubble burst and then did it all over again. Remember?

Now take that same childlike wonder that you were born with and turn it to the space around you. Wherever you are right now, look at it with those eyes. Let that same open-minded curiosity see everything without judgment or expectation. Let yourself be delighted.

Don't stop with just the beautiful and obvious things like giant, perfumed flower blossoms. Let the small, shy, and ugly brighten and inspire you. Appreciate the dancing bumblebee, the hairy tarantula, the garbage spinning down the street in the wind, the smell of toast, and the soiled alcoholic who is asleep in the doorway. These are the things that life is made out of. These are the building blocks of poetry.

See this magic being woven all around you. Love it. Bless it with your eyes. When you do that long enough, love will live within you. It will spill from your cracks so that your light shines so brightly. You won't be able to help yourself from giving it away. If someone tries to take it away or put it out, you can say with ease, "That's okay. I have more."

Love is you. It can't be separated from you. All you have to do is remember. Find the thing that brings it out in you and nurture it. For me, it’s spiritual travel. When we went to the Amazon Peru trip, I wrote a piece that I will share with you called “I Went to Peru and Fell in Love” to show you what that process is like. 

I went to Peru and fell in love. No, not with a person, but with life... and perhaps myself a bit. It happened so gradually that I didn't even know it was happening until I got back home.

Peru makes you slow down. You can't hurry because of the altitude. There is not enough air to hurry - you can't breathe. And the steep uphill climbs encourage ambling. So, you see more. Feel more. Experience more. Enjoy more.

Perhaps falling in love happened while climbing to the sun gate at Ollantaytambo. The 15 kilometer round trip started on horseback. Strolling alongside the Urubamba river while the Peru Rail train went by felt like I could be back in the old west days. 

That didn't last long though because as the path quickly turned upward, my gaze was focused on what was just in front and beneath me than what was to the side. As my horse seemed to prefer the outer edge of what was always a narrow trail with a steep drop off, I didn't spend too much time gazing outward.

As we walked up to the 14,000 foot summit, the scenery and weather changed drastically. It was as if we were moving through the whole year in a single day. The bushes turned to low grasses. The sunshine turned to clouds, then the wind brought in a fiercely cold rain off the glacier. Nature was in all her glory, and it was fabulous.

The human remains in the cliffside served to remind me of the shortness of life. I was grateful that they were undisturbed by passersby and slept in peace. There is nothing like feeling your smallness in the wild to help you connect to the All That Is.

Or perhaps I fell in love in the Amazon jungle. Sun, sweat, bugs, rodents, piranhas, caimans, and monkeys ruled this place. It was clear that I was the trespasser who needed to be self aware and move with respect here. There was no escaping the interconnectedness of life when I was being attacked by mosquitoes and could be pounced on by larger, more dangerous creatures at any time.

Nothing could be taken for granted. Most of our food had to be brought in. Electricity wasn't available at all times. There were only cold showers. Darkness fell early. Some animals were waking and others were settling down for the night. Unlike our unnatural cycles in our modern, urban lives, we followed suit. It felt like the most normal thing in the world. It felt like living.

But maybe it was the night sky that stole my heart. The Southern Cross and Milky Way twinkled above surrounded by a blaze of never ending starlight. Everywhere you looked were bright stars, magical stars that reminded me that somewhere out there was unimaginable life. It just went on forever. Such bigness. Such expansion.

Or it could have just been the rain. Simple rain. It rains every day somewhere, but here it felt magical. You could feel the plants and air respond to the coming of the rain. The whole atmosphere enlivened in welcome for this wonderful bringer of life. There are no words for what the air felt like when the rains came. I reached out to touch it, but there was no need. It was all around me, soaking into my skin, feeding my spirit with its life giving properties.

Seeing Nature in her unapologetic expression, I saw my own fragility and savage self. And loved it.

In Peru, I felt my innards, the everything around me, death, life, spirit, and here. I often feel alive and at One with Nature, but not like this. Life is raw. In Peru it's even more so. Here I fell in love. I hope you get to experience that some day too.

So, you see nothing special needs to happen to walk in love. You don’t need someone to sweep you off your feet. You don’t need your heart to race or for someone to be wined and dined. Love is inside. You just have to let it blossom.

I like to use the archetypes to talk about energies because they are universal. It doesn’t matter what culture or time you are in, everyone understands what you mean when you talk about archetypes. But one of the disturbing things that I’ve seen in modern culture is that we have taken the unhealthy sides of archetypes and made them normal rather than seeing them as a spectrum.

In Chinese medicine, there is only one disease. It’s imbalance. There is either too much of something or too little. I love that idea because it keeps things so simple that anyone can understand it. The archetypes are the same.

If the energy of love is emotion, feeling, idealism, sensuality, and sexuality, then the Lover is one who expresses all of that. When I was in Peru, I walked in sensuality. I let myself feel everything- my emotions, the wind on my skin. My senses were heightened, when the birds awakened with the morning sun and sang and called to each other, I lingered in bed just listening.  When we ate exotic flavors that I was not accustomed to, I inhaled the spices and let the flavors dance in my mouth so that the memory was imprinted in my soul and I can recall all the details right now. That’s sensuality in its fullness. That’s lover energy.

The Lover is alive. He savors what is here, whether it’s desirable or not. A lot of the things I talked about in my article about Peru were not pleasant. It is hot in the Amazon. Moving through 4 seasons in the space of a few hours - particularly being blasted by the glacial wind - is uncomfortable. So, when that happens, lean into it. Life is a precious gift. Be here. 

Inspiration comes from this place. Like sex, it is a creative force that gives birth to new things. If I am really present with working with herbs, I might get a brainstorm for a tincture that is really beneficial. Or if I am really present with my oils, I could create a mandala that ends up being a beautiful representation of my soul. It could be anything. Love opens the door to majesty. 

The Lover’s appetite isn’t just one for pleasure. It’s one for all that life has to offer. Experiences. Stimulating ideas. Beauty. Of course the ones that make us feel good are more rewarding, but the Lover wants freedom to explore and takes meaning and purpose from the journey, not the outcome. 

The Lover has the Earthy energy of sensuality, beauty, pleasure, and the body, the Fire energy of passion and adventure, the water energy of emotions, and the Air energy of inspiration and ideas. So, he’s whole. When he’s not whole, we start to get that imbalance that I talked about.

We all learn to love from our parents. Our first lover is our mother. At some point, I will talk about the Mother archetype because we are so out of healthy relationship with the Mother, but for now let me just say that we owe our survival to our mother when we are first born. We are helpless. We can’t move very well, can’t communicate, can’t feed ourselves, can’t protect ourselves, and can’t clean ourselves. Everything we need, she has to provide. Now I am saying “mother” when I could be referring to our father, a grandparent, or someone else because I’m referring to the Mother archetype more than a person or a gender. 

If she’s responsive to our needs, and comes when we cry, cleans us when we are wet or soiled, feeds us when we are hungry, and snuggles us to let us know we are loved, we feel safe. We learn to trust and love. We are ideally set up to express the Lover archetype in a healthy way because the early interactions we had were safe. This allowed us to feel that we are important beings and also helped us to connect with others.

So the healthy Lover definitely has an “I’m okay, you’re okay” attitude and moves forward with respect and an eye for himself and others. He values relationships and knows that they are a two way street.

If the Mother is unreliable, the child develops what we call and “anxious attachment” style and doesn’t trust. So sometimes she’s responsive and caring, sometimes she’s not. This results in a child who is also sometimey. Sometimes they avoid contact with the Mother and sometimes they  doesn’t seem to care about it one way or the other. So he’s not seeking out connection or pulling away, but once that contact is made, he can be clingy.

This person has an “I’m not okay, you’re okay” mindset and will go out of their way to make up for what they perceive as their not okayness. They are people pleasers and generally lack healthy boundaries and do a lot for others that they don’t do for themselves.

In the last example, Mom was responsive sometimes. If Mom ignores signs of distress, the child learns the same thing. It’s a “if you ignore me, I will ignore you” type of thing because the child learns that he can’t depend upon people. This Mom provides for food, shelter, and clothing- that type of thing - but can’t or won’t do the nurturing piece.

This is the dismissive-avoidant attachment style that is characterized by the “I’m okay, you’re not okay.” attitude. So this person learned to either not have needs or to rely on himself to meet his needs, and doesn’t trust you to do that, so they don’t let other people in. They shut down their emotions so that they don’t need anyone.

In the “disorganized attachment style” comes from abuse or trauma. It’s sort of a blend of the anxious attachment and dismissive-avoidant styles in that sometimes you avoid, sometimes you’re clingy, and sometimes you’re in the people pleasing mode. 

Now, I have a lot of clients who act this way and deny abuse. They were well fed, had advantages in life, and weren’t hit so they don’t understand why they behave this way. It’s easy to see abuse when there is violence and sexual assault, but watching someone else be abused or living in a household with someone who has addiction issues is very destabilizing. So is name calling and insults. So is gaslighting. This is why I did the podcast on narcissism. It’s not just a difficult personality. It’s soul stealing. If you haven’t listened to that one, check it out.

When Mom makes you feel like garbage, it has an impact on your self esteem and your ability to love. This is the “I’m not okay, you’re not okay” paradigm. “I don’t trust you, and I don’t trust me. I want intimacy and relationship. I want it from you, but I have no trust so I am in, then I’m out. I love you. I hate you. I want you to get away from me, but I can’t be alone.” It’s very hard on you and the person you’re trying to connect with.

You don’t have to take notes on that. I’ve created a free infographic on attachment styles that I will post in our private community in mewe page, so if you are a member you can get that there, or if you’d like a copy of it, just subscribe on the website at www.letgonow.net and I will send that to you.

Love is one of the basic energies that we all need because many of the other archetypes can’t be healthy if the Lover isn’t healthy. As I said before, the healthy love has the “I’m good, you’re good” attitude. He cares for his own needs and your needs. There is reciprocity, equity, and a respect for everything and everyone’s place in the world, so there are healthy boundaries. Love is given. It’s received.

Going back to the Chinese medicine theory of either too much or too little, when there is too little Lover energy, this is a taking your ball and going home approach. It’s like, I was disappointed in love, so I’m shutting the whole thing down. I’m stingy with love. You have to deserve it. I’m joyless and flat. Nothing pleases me. I’m full of discipline and rules. Maybe duty and obligation are my motivations. I do what I have to do rather than what I want to do. I’m probably full of shame and am prudish. 

In Chinese medicine too much Yin produces Yang, and too much Yang produces Yin. It’s like a pendulum that goes back and forth, so in the extreme, all this discipline results in repression that could burst forth into hedonism, or something like porn or sex addiction. 

When the Lover is too much, we have the Casanova approach to life. In my opinion, this is one of the main things that plague western cultures. It’s all about me. I want more, more, more. It’s pure gluttony. It’s the fear of missing out. I can’t be satisfied with what I have because there could be something better, something more. 

We might call it self improvement, but it’s really about chasing something that will make us feel alive. We’re chasing money, women, a glamorous lifestyle, social media followers, food, adventure, spiritual experiences, titles, whatever. 

This is the person who has a great ambition, achieves it, and still feels empty inside so he has to do something else. Or it could be the person who has a lot of entrepreneurial ideas that never get off the ground, falls in love every other month with a new person who is “the one” and then that relationship fizzles. They have all kinds of stuff around the house that they never use because their enthusiasm doesn’t last long enough to follow through. Maybe all they have from their travels are a lot of impressive photos. They don’t have any wonderful or meaningful memories. So they are chasing something. They are collectors of titles, money, stuff, experiences without having any underlying values, structure or focus. They are doing without loving.

What I mean is, let’s say that Ralph and Joe are both on an entrepreneurial path where they are both bringing clean water to remote places. They both make tons of money doing this and have a more than comfortable lifestyle, but Ralph gets to know the people he’s working to help. He involves them in improving their lives. He is emotionally invested in the outcome and feels deeply gratified when each project succeeds. He celebrates with the community that he helps.

On the other hand, Joe is a business man. It’s about the bottom line. He is just as productive as Ralph, but Joe got into this because it was a good financial opportunity and would boost his image in the community. When he finishes a project, he does a photo op that he puts on his website, and he is off to the next thing.

Do you see the difference? There is no love in what Joe’s doing. With Ralph, love underlies every step of what he’s doing. So it’s not the what. It’s the why. 

But let’s make this about sex because that’s what we’ve reduced love to in the west. We have a real messed up relationship with sex right now. 

When I was a kid, I didn’t really say the word sex. Not because it was a taboo word, but because in my household, my parents always referred to it as love making. So it was inconceivable to think of being with someone in that way without love. I use the word sex now because that’s often what I am talking about. Like sex in movies. There is no love in it. I want to communicate accurately, right? 

When we reduce love to sex, we’re missing so much that is meaningful. It’s so indicative of our “skip the journey and get to the goal post” western attitude. That’s about as fun as having sex to have an orgasm, and we all know people like that, don’t we? If you’re living for the organism, you’re missing the point.

I used to have clients all the time who were impatient to feel better. They didn’t want to change their diet. That’s boring. They didn’t want to meditate. It’s not producing anything. They didn’t want to look at their lifestyle because they just wanted to feel better. Guess what guys? Any sustainable change starts at the root. If you’re not willing to change, you’re not going to have any lasting happiness or joy in your life because you can’t plant a pine cone and expect to get cherries. You can’t be a bad lover and expect to have love flow abundantly. 

Love is here for everyone. If you expect it to look like happiness all the time, you will miss it. If you expect it to happen to you and require nothing from you, that’s not how life works. It’s reciprocal. You’ve got to have skin in the game, so if you want to shine, you have to do some work. 

Look at how you love. Are you being stingy. Are you chasing it? Are you reducing it to sex and excitement? If you are, you’re not a good lover.

I once asked a guy friend of mine of women could be bad lovers. You hear about how guys are lousy all the time and I was wondering if that’s because women are just so much better at it. He laughed like it was a ridiculous question, and then it clicked. Of course we can be poor lovers. How you do anything is how you do everything.

If you are boring, unimaginative, and checked out in life, of course you are going to be the same in bed. If you are selfish in life, you will be selfish in bed. If you are all about you in life, of course you will be the same in bed. 

In and out of bed, I want the people in my life to be juicy. I want to be surrounded by healthy lovers. It energizes me, uplifts me, inspires me, and makes it easy to keep letting my own light shine. When I am with people who are chasing love and light rather than just enjoying what is here, it feels draining. There is a huge difference in the energy of being with a healthy lover and someone who isn’t that.

I have a friend who owns a restaurant who is fabulous at this. You get the sense that he is always genuinely interested in the people who come into his place. He knows everybody’s name. He remembers their favorite things to eat. He chats with them and always has a smile for them. 

If I come in and I’m expected, he always makes me food that is not on the menu. I am an appreciative guest and he loves when you love his food, so he makes me the most exotic things, and I always love it. So it’s his way of loving. My appreciation is my way of returning that love. It’s a cycle that keeps on giving.

I always feel loved and appreciated when I am with him. I don’t have to do anything or be anything special. And he’s like that with everyone. To be a healthy lover is a gift to everyone around you.

When we plant a flower bed and take care of it out of gratitude for the joy and beauty that it gives, that’s love making. If we take care of it so that our yard looks good, that’s not. 

So think about love making. When I lay down with someone, I am sharing the most intimate space with them. I am allowing them into my body - it’s the doorway to my womb, which is the place where life comes from. That’s sacred. Life giving blood flows from the womb. Babies come from there. Yes, it’s for pleasure too, but it’s far more than that. I don't want to give that to just anyone. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about it.

Now I know that people have sex for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it’s about feeling less lonely or wanting to feel alive. Some people do it to relax and go to sleep. Some do it to feel power over someone or to hurt others. Everything we do can be an act of love or to express something else. When we are conscious of what we’re doing, we can make more effective choices.

I can use the heel of a shoe to drive a nail, but maybe a hammer is a better tool, you know what I mean?

So, I’ve talked about what a healthy lover looks like and why some people may not have gotten great examples of that as children and how that impacts their ability to be healthy lovers now. If you’re feeling discouraged, don’t. The whole reason why I am here now is an act of love really. I want everyone to be able to have this. And you can heal the early experiences that taught you to withhold love, chase it, or seek relentlessly for it. 

It won’t happen over night, but the podcast will give you the head stuff you need to start changing the way you look at things. The “Let It Go Now” community give you actionable steps and experiences that can help you make the shifts to be more in alignment with your true self. Members also have access to our private mewe group where you can be in community with people who are on the same path as you.

Please do not underestimate or under utilize this resource. I was at a spiritual gathering recently and I was exhausted about two hours in because the people there didn’t know how to share space well. Energetically it felt like some people were fighting to be seen and heard and were dominating to make that happen. I don’t do well in that energy because my inclination to is to be open and present and they want to take too much, so that’s not wise. It’s also to look out of the underdog, and that would have been taking on more than I wanted to do because there were a lot of people who weren’t speaking up and weren’t being seen because of the grabby energy of those who were sucking up all the oxygen. 

The mewe space is not that. To be authentic, we have to let go of all the things that are not truly us, be skillful so we move easily in shared space - and anything outside or your body and home is shared space- and have a safe environment. The mewe space is that safe environment.

You can say the things you don’t say in front of other people. You can ask questions. You can check in and let me know how you are doing, tell me what is meaningful to you, share inspiration, or tell me what you need. I am happy to talk about what you want to talk about on your journey to freedom and authenticity.

And if you need help getting rid of specific triggers that jam you up, reach out to me. I’m available for breakthrough work. One breakthrough session may produce a tiny bit of change that makes you breathe a little easier or it could remove the thing that dislodges a dam and your whole world changes. There is no way to know ahead of time, but they are definitely worthwhile.

I know we are just starting out. I’m trying to hit the basic stuff early so that you have a strong foundation. I deliberately chose the Lover as the first archetype to talk about because it’s so fundamental. It starts taking shape when we are babies and can influence the rest of our lives. So much flows from here. If we get our Lover straight, life’s not only easier but more delicious. And what’s the point of being here if it’s not delicious?

Life’s going to be rough sometimes. It can be rough and lovely and meaningful at the same time if our Lover is healthy. So let’s get there together.

Thanks for listening guys. Don’t forget to get your free infographic on the attachment styles. You can get that on my website at letitgonow.net. See you next week!