How to Get Out of the "I Don't Know" Habit

0:00 Hey guys, we have made it to the end of debut week. Today is all about sharing yourself and my opinion, that's really the most important part of the self discovery and growth journey because all the other stuff is like prep work to get here. If you've ever had a romantic relationship, you know, that's kind of the thing that we're mostly looking forward to in our life, right? What means more than anything thing?

0:00:25 It's that finding somebody to love. That's one way of sharing yourself. But we have also platonic intimacy and friendships and family relationships and neighbors. And these are other ways of sharing ourself that make us feel connected and like we belong. And one of the things that can get in the way of that is saying, I don't know. And when someone asks someone something about themselves and you say I don't know, they're basically shutting down the connection.

0:00:56 They're not sharing themselves and nobody can know you. It's a way of saying, don't get too close. It's stonewalling. And that relationship can't move forward because it's conflict avoidant. It feels passive aggressive, insensitive and uncaring to be on the receiving end of. I don't know. Unless you actually don't know. It's a factual question. Where's my shoes? I don't know. In that case, it's okay.

0:01:19 But if I'm asking you something like, what's your favorite ice cream? I don't know. To be on the receiving end of that is just like, what do you mean you don't know? Why are you not telling me? Do you not like me? Do you not trust me? I don't understand this conversation. Because there's things that you're expected to know. You're the only one that does know. What do you feel about the political candidates? Now, maybe that's not a conversation you want to have, and you could certainly say that, but I don't know is like saying, I don't want to connect with you. That's how it feels.

0:01:56 So questions like, where do you want to go to eat? Do you prefer pink paint or yellow? What are you going to do about your job situation? Those are the things that we talk about just to stay connected, get to know each other. And we build our lives around these conversations to help us to get to know. Who is this person? Is this someone that I can get closer to or not? Is this somebody that I can relate to? Do I have things in common with?

0:02:29 Are we compatible? And if you're not giving any information, then the other person has nothing to go on and it's going to feel disconnected. And I think that's not what most people want or intend. So why might somebody say, I don't know? Well, it's because they're afraid of making decisions, of being criticized, being wrong, being judged. And this happens because they grew up in a situation where that's how their parents avoided conflict or dealt with conflict.

0:03:05 Or maybe the parent was critical and it was a way to survive criticism or not be held accountable for something and be criticized for it. Maybe the parent was gaslighting, so no matter what happened, they were going to be wrong. I don't know. Makes it just like, well, I didn't commit to a position, so it's harder to gaslight me. If the person is a golden child where you are the light of their life and everything that you do has to be perfect because you're the one that all their hopes rest upon, it's very hard to let that person down, that parent down. So, I don't know, as a way of, again, not having to commit.

0:03:41 So if you had to be perfect to get attention or praise, you don't want to be wrong. If you're punished for showing emotion or having needs, this is a way of being invisible and not having needs. So I don't know, is a coping skill. And it may have worked for you on some level when you were little, but when you're trying to have grown up relationships, not so much because the other person feels shut out.

0:04:09 So what's happening inside? So this is going to help either the person who is doing this or the partner. And what's going on typically is fear. So they're being flooded with this fight or flight response, and they probably look super cool. On the outside you're not seeing it, but inside they're shut down, or maybe they're full of anger or shame. And it's taken a long time to get an answer because of that. All that flooding is preventing them from thinking. So your thinking brain and your fight and flight brain are not online at the same time.

0:04:43 So what needs to happen is that they need to slow that down, take a deep breath, get calm, and then they can speak. So this is a trauma response, and I get help for this, so that you don't have to cope your way through each time. If the trigger ceases to fire, then you're not going to have that hard time getting grounded again. So once the trigger response is done, then it just becomes a question. You're not going into emotional flooding. You're not having to calm yourself down and you can just answer the question.

0:05:16 That's how it works with a lot of people. So that's why it's so difficult to understand. Why is this person? What do you mean? You don't know? It's so confusing to be on the receiving end of that. So this is shadow stuff. You may not even know when it started. You may think about it and be like, I don't know. My parents were super cool. I don't get it. This does not make any sense. But trust me, if you work with somebody like myself who does this every day, there is a trigger and you can diffuse it so that this doesn't have to be an issue anymore.

0:05:55 It can be confusing because the inside might not match the outside. A person who is stonewalling, like I said, might look cool as a cucumber. If you're the one who says, I don't know, tune into your body. Relax your muscles, take your time. Ask for the time that you need. Say, I'll get back with you, and then get back with them. Because if you just duck out, they're not going to trust you. So what you can do, instead of saying, I don't know is, like I said, ask for time to consider the question, give me a minute, I'll get back with you.

0:06:29 If it's appropriate, you can schedule a time to talk when you have thought about the answer so that you can be prepared to answer. Whenever I am switching anything up, I have a skills group and if anything's going to be different from ordinary, if we're going to miss a week, I don't know. Anything's going to be different. I tell people in advance so that if they have any emotions about it, if there's anxiety, they can cope ahead and deal with the anxiety. So when thing happens, it's not that much of a shock. So that's kind of what the scheduling is for.

0:07:02 Or just communicating ahead of time, giving yourself a chance to deal with it. Another thing you can do is feel the fear and just make a decision. Whatever. Go with it. Practice. Just do it. Boom. Okay, it's off my plate. It's done. And pay more attention to life. Get to know what you think and feel. Practice connecting the dots. For example, if you're talking about a movie, share what you thought about the characters, the story, the ending, or the music or anything that jumped out at you.

0:07:35 You don't have to defend it or be right. It's just about sharing. To let go of the outcome. It's just your opinion. And I know it's like. It's just. That's so simple when it comes to trauma, because it's not that easy. I know, but it could be. When the trauma trigger is gone, you can give yourself space to process what you heard so that it sinks in. Some people consider themselves slow processors or just need more alone time after social time to integrate their experiences.

0:08:07 And this is a difference. It's not wrong. We're all unique. So I consider myself a slow processor when I'm in the presence of new information. If it's stuff that I'm familiar with, it's not anything I have to think about. I'm very quick. But if it's like new, I need space to ponder. So I might not have anything to contribute to the conversation until a day or two later, which is a little bit weird for some people. It's like, oh, where did all that come from? That's just my process.

0:08:33 If you are on the receiving end of I don't know, it might help to ask open ended questions rather than yes or no questions because it puts people less on the spot. Often the details are more important than the answers for understanding anyway. So that's the juicy stuff that you want. And you can encourage sharing with things like tell me more about that. Or are you saying La La? If they feel safe, they'll open up more.

0:09:02 So you're giving people the space to show up. And if you don't really know, like I said, it's an asset, it's honest, it's humble, and makes you trustworthy to say I don't know because the opposite of this is some people don't know. And they will avoid saying I don't know because they think it makes them look stupid or less than in some kind of way saying I don't know when you really don't know. For me, I love that.

0:09:30 Just tell me and I'll tell you too. I don't know. It kind of like, don't ask me anymore because I have nothing to offer here. So I think it's just more efficient and makes me feel more trustworthy. So sharing yourself, being vulnerable and connecting is what we're all here to do. We all have great bonfires, retreats, moon circles, and talking circles in the private group. All of those things are designed to give people space to share themselves.

0:10:00 It's practice, and you're welcome to join us if you'd like to begin working on sharing yourself. So lean into that discomfort. Learn it here on the podcast and take it out into your real life. Easy peasy, right? We all need a safe place to practice, and as each one of us moves towards our authentic self, it positively impacts the rest of us with more smiles, creativity, happiness and love. So I'm all for that.

0:10:29 So thanks for being here. See you on Monday.