Healing the Racial Divide

You know when you get these forms to fill out at the doctor or for a driver’s license and it asks for your race, what do you put down? Do you check one box? Two? More than two? How do you determine what your race is? How do you determine what someone else’s race is without asking them? Let’s talk about it on this episode of Surviving to Thriving.

Hi, I’m Laura Giles, your host. Welcome to Surviving to Thriving. My experience as a trauma therapist leads me to believe that most of life's problems are a result of feeling disconnected, and my mission is to help 100,000 people move from a life where they are just coping through life to thriving with amazing, fulfilling relationships. I’ve identified 5 stages that we all cycle through on our way to a relational life, and every week I touch on one aspect of that to illuminate something that may move the needle a little bit each week towards more connection.

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So race. What is that? The American Heritage Dictionary’s first definition says, “a group of people identified as distinct from other groups because of supposed physical or genetic traits shared by the group. Most biologists and anthropologists do not recognize race as a biologically valid classification, in part because there is more genetic variations within groups than between them.” The second definition says, “a group of people united or classified together on the basis of common history, nationality, or geographical distribution.”

Okay, so I think we all know what the first definition means. It means primarily skin color, hair texture, and slant of the eyes. It’s visual differences. People who are lighter skinned and have lighter eyes are differentiated from those with darker skin and those with more slanted eyes versus round eyes. Those with dark skin and straight hair are looked at differently than those with dark skin and coarse hair. Would you agree that this is how people in America are socialized to think of race?

If biologists and anthropologists find this silly and genetically inaccurate, why do we still do it?

Now let’s look at the second definition, which focuses on history, nationality, and geography. Is that any more valid? Clearly French people have a different culture than Italians or the Swiss, but do we think of them as different races? Should we? 

I ask this question because I think it’s important for each of us to think about this. I have had dark-skinned clients who have been traumatized by the way they feel invalidated by their pale skinned peers. I have had pale skinned clients who have been traumatized by white guilt - they feel so horrible about their association with people who have historically been cruel to darker skinned people that they either feel the need to make amends, champion darker-skinned people, or just go around apologizing for what happened. I even had one pale skinned client who basically wanted to castrate himself because he felt so guilty for being a white male that it was more mentally acceptable to be a eunuch or have a sex change than for him to be a white male. 

So, as a society, I would say we have problems, wouldn’t you? And it all centers around a construct that someone made up, and lots of other people agreed with, that really has zero validity. Race isn’t a real thing. We can’t look at a skeleton and say, “This person was from this race” because there is no race gene. And until 8,000 years ago, there were no pale skinned people at all! So, if you are the result of a thousand loves going back thousands of years, does your identity only include the last 3 generations or so? How do you decide who is light enough to be white and who is dark enough to be black? And why are non-American people classified slightly differently? There are white Latinos and black Latinos. And white Egyptians and black Egyptians. 

What is that about? Aren’t they all culturally the same? What about Mexicans? From my observation, it doesn’t matter how light skinned a Mexican is. If you’re from Mexico, you can’t be white. So, there are all these rules that I just don’t understand. Someone from North Africa might have lighter skin than someone from Sicily, but the Sicilian is considered white, while the North African isn’t. And they all have the same ancestors! It makes no sense to me.

All othering comes from fear. It’s all about protecting yourself from danger by ostracizing some so that you can be on top with the power and have someone to look down upon. It’s interesting that the Racial Integrity Laws of the 1920s and 30s in Virginia outlawed interracial marriage. They said that a white person is someone who “has no trace whatsoever of any blood other than Caucasian.” So this is where the one drop rule comes from that says if you have a drop of African blood, you’re Black. But these same law makers created the Pocahantas Exception, which said that a White person could marry someone with Native American ancestry. A lot of people used that as a way around the law.

Now contrast this with the words of Black Elk, who was a Lakota medicine man. He said, “If you have one drop of Indian blood in your veins, you are Indian.” Do you see the difference in perspective? One includes and one excludes. Which culture do you think stands more in love than fear? And which ideals do you embrace?

If you have been listening for a while, you know that my parents and grandparents are a rainbow of skin tones and cultures, so when someone asks me what my race is, there isn’t a neat and clean answer to that. Which ancestors am I supposed to leave out? Am I not a product of all of them? Aren’t you a product of all of your ancestors as well?

“Wait!” I can hear some of you say. “History is important. We have intergenerational trauma and a history of generational abuse.” I hear that. I am totally aware of that. The genocide of the Jews during world war II is real. The trauma carried by the surviving Jews and surviving Germans is real. The racism, fear, and mistrust by some pale and dark people that is left over from slavery in this country and the segregation and discrimination is real. I’m a trauma therapist. I see this on a daily basis. 

And this is why I am asking you to think about it. I’d love to see it all end. And I think that it can end if we stop thinking in terms of color and of “others.” That’s why the description in the podcast talks about helping earthlings. I could have said we help women, men, people in their 50s, nurses, people of color, marginalized people, or homosexuals. 

Anyone with a business is told by marketing people to niche down, pick a specific group, and market to them. I don’t know anything that could be more opposite of that than “earthlings,” and yet that is what I chose because I am sick of the division and over identification with sex, gender, color, religion, politics, and what we eat or don’t eat. I didn’t even stop at humans. Earthlings include plants, animals, and the mineral kingdom because I truly believe it’s all sacred, alive, and connected. The plants, animals, and mineral kingdom are our brothers and sisters too. How blessed and connected would you feel if you woke up to that every morning? 

Culture matters, but what matters more than that is oneness. Not because I’m a bleeding heart who is in the corner with a lit candle singing Kumbaya, but because that’s what’s real. The sacred wheel is a circle not just because of life cycles, but because it’s indivisible. We are One. Divisions diminish us.

The year is not the seasons. It’s much more than that. A tree is more than the leaves, roots, or branches. A pie is more than flour, sugar, and eggs. A person is more than arteries, blood, muscles, and bones. And when we identify with the ways that we are similar, rather than the ways that we are different, a lot of the fear and mistrust falls away. Your foot and your ear don’t have a lot in common, but your whole body and my body do.

The generational trauma persists because we won’t let go of the pain. I facilitate past life regression, and in the beginning, I wholeheartedly believed in past lives because I experienced it. I saw and felt my own past lives as fully as if I were in that time and feeling those emotions now. I saw things I didn’t know existed. The stories all lined up with how things are in my present life, but what I didn’t understand in the beginning is that all time is now. The energy of bitterness, fear of water, broken heartedness, or whatever is only present in this time because the person never let go of it. Dying gives you the choice to start all over, but we don’t have to take it, and lots of people don’t. We just keep doing the same thing over and over again.

So, isn’t it time to let go of labels, division, and old hurts? You are everything, and everything is you, but you can’t live in the greatness of all of that if you are holding a grudge against someone else or yourself. Why? Because it’s a way of staying separate from your wholeness. 

Rumi said, “You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” That’s the difference between being a single, white, Catholic, female (for example) and Infinite Intelligence. The more labels that you assume and ascribe to others, the more division you create between you, them, and wholeness.

If I am scared of Muslims, for example, I am probably not going to embrace Muslims. So now I am smaller because I have cut myself off from all that that brings to my being. Same with snakes, spiders, pistachio ice cream, or anything else. Everything that is created is a part of me because I am the whole ocean. 

But let’s say that you really have a preference for dark hair, dark eyes, and dark skin. Am I asking you to stop liking what you like? No, not at all. You can still like pink roses, country music, and baklava. I’m just suggesting that it may be better for all of us to be the whole rainbow and not limit ourselves to just one color. Why play small? 

Now I can hear someone out there saying, “No. I need to stand up for the injustice of the past and advocate for change. Affirmative action, fair access to services and jobs is what needs to happen to fix this.” I agree with that, AND I think that the fastest way for change like that to happen is through a change of heart, not a change of policy. Policy doesn’t change hearts. Love does. When we love each other and see ourselves as part of the same earthling family, the systemic stuff goes away.

We don’t need a politician to change the system for us. We all have power. 

The thing that I think people can overlook is that we are the system. Whatever policies and practices are in place are there because of our own thinking and behavior. When our thinking and behavior changes, the policies will change, too. It’s like all the old laws that are still on the books because they haven’t been changed, but they aren’t enforced. It’s like that with the drug laws. Nobody is putting anyone in jail for smoking marijuana anymore. That just seems silly now that you can get a card for medical marijuana and it’s legal in so many states. 

The law hasn’t changed yet, but the culture has. The thinking has. That’s what I mean.

When I was a little kid, there were no other people in my neighborhood who looked like me. I was always different, so it was common for other people - children and adults - to ask me about my race, culture, ethnicity - something that was indicating that they wanted to know why I looked the way I looked. I always hated that question because there was no way to answer it succinctly, fully, and in a way that gave them anything of meaning. And I didn’t want to go into a long, drawn out story. They weren’t expecting that, and I didn’t know these people. I didn’t want to give that. But to give a one-word answer, which is how most people answer that question, just felt wrong. 

No matter what word I could use, it wouldn’t get them one step closer to knowing who I am. So, I am wondering, for those of you who find that a useful question, what does the answer mean to you? Whether you are talking about yourself or someone else, what does the answer tell you?  

If I told you I was a toe, would that have meaning for you? That’s kind of what it’s like for me. I have a toe. I have ten of them, but I don’t identify with being a toe. I think my existence would be pretty limited if I did. 

I used to be a dancer. A lot of my fellow dancers viewed that as their whole existence. When they didn’t dance well or didn’t get a gig, they took it very personally. While dancing was really important to me, it wasn’t ever going to make or break my day. This is the difference between identifying with a part of yourself and being Infinite Intelligence. 

Can you see how petty some of the things we squabble about seem when you’re Infinite Intelligence? Can you see how free you are right now, with no more money, beauty, time, or youth than you have right now? You can do just about anything and be anything if you step into those shoes. And whatever past injustices that were visited upon you can be easily let go because it just seems so small compared to the vastness of your heart. 

Some people make their whole identity about their race, sexual orientation, religion, or maybe a title. If you had to choose between being a finger nail or a whole body, which would you choose? If you could be a star or the universe, which would you choose? Why limit yourself to one small aspect of yourself?

Not just for you, so you could be way more awesome, but for everyone. If you were instantly more compassionate because you could see what it’s like to be the things that you weren’t embracing before, wouldn’t your understanding of others increase tremendously? Imagine it. You don’t just walk past frail old men now, you see them. You are them. If a little girl is spinning around and laughing as she watches her dress twirl around her, you see her. Her delight is your delight - even if you’ve never done that before. 

Everyone wants to be seen. Everything wants to be appreciated. When the world is your mirror, how do you not see it and appreciate it all? How does your fascination with yourself, and therefore the world, not increase? And would that not mean that you take more love and care of it all because what you see is good and precious? That’s how it feels to me, anyway. 

Do we need to preserve waterways and sea life? Yes, but when you are it and it is you, it’s a given, not a crusade. It’s just what you do as Infinite Intelligence. And scary things like crocodiles become things we respect and have great boundaries around so that they can do what they do best without harming us.

One of the first things that I became fascinated with as I began really looking and appreciating myself as Infinite Intelligence are the things that we find grotesque, disgusting, and dangerous. Like vultures. Vultures eat dead things. As symbols of death, most people don’t like them, but I do. A lot of people don’t appreciate the work that they do to break down dead things so that they can be recycled back into the environment and nourish life. They are creatures of rebirth. Vultures are sacred in many cultures. They can fly really high without flapping their wings, so they are pretty distinctive looking when seen from below. And because of this ability to fly so high, they are associated with the heavens. 

So you could take anything in life and look into it and use it as a mirror to see those qualities within you. Maybe you ask, “How do I, as Infinite Intelligence, express my ability to transform death into life? How do I express my ability to soar?” I think people get too stuck in their smallness and pain to imagine how they might be everything. Or maybe they think of what they’ve lost when you are everything. You can’t lose anything if you are everything, right?

I’ve actually done a few articles and podcasts on race, but this is the one in which I’ve actually talked about race the least, and I’m actually good with that because I think it shows just how important it really is in the big scheme of things. If you agree and want to be part of the change, I’m going to give you some ways to dismantle our racist society just by changing your mind.

1. See all the shades of color in people’s complexion and if you are going to describe a person by their skin tone, be more accurate. People are light, fair, tan, dusky, brown, dark brown, peanut butter colored, olive, and more. Seeing only in black and white doesn’t show appreciation for all the loves that had to happen to create all that variety.
2. If you are going to describe someone, focus on other features besides their skin. What about someone’s eyes? Or their smile? Or some feature that is striking, like their long legs or spiky hair? Just talking about it makes me want to lean in and drink in their essence. That’s so much more connecting than just talking about skin tone as black or white. Or if you want more distance than that, go with their clothes or their height. 
3. If you want to know something about someone, why not ask about their culture rather than their color? If you do this, wait until you are close enough for them to share or else it may seem like you’re being really forward. After all, it’s a bit like pushing your way into their living room with their family. 
4. Listen. Don’t offer your story of how you did the thing they are talking about or how you read about what they are talking about. Just listen. Keep an open mind. Sit with your impressions. You will learn more.
5. Go beyond race and jobs in conversation. Get personal. At our last quarterly gathering in the private group, a new person asked about what we all do professionally. In the years that I’ve known some of the people, no one has ever asked that. I didn’t know the answer for most of the people there. I know a lot of people talk about their work, but we never do. We talk about what we love, what we believe, what we are curious about and things like that. Agree or disagree, it makes for a much more connected and interesting conversation.
6. Don’t assume. Before you go rescuing someone from their disadvantages, make sure there was actually an injustice and that they want your help. Once a lady apologized to me for the treatment she imagined that I had received from society because of the color of my skin. Her intention was to let me know that she was my ally, but what she communicated was that she saw me as a person of color, someone who was disadvantaged, powerless, and who needed rescuing. She communicated that I wanted this intervention, and she was the one to do this for me. That’s a lot of assumptions! Many people are far more empowered than you might realize and either haven’t been marginalized or can take care of themselves when they are. If you look down upon them, you’re doing more to perpetuate racism than to stop it. 
7. If you’re offended, heal. Don’t expect the world to stop doing what it’s doing to save your feelings. Save yourself. Triggers exist to show you where your wounds are. There is no way that anyone can anticipate everyone else’s triggers and then avoid them. We’re all too unique for that. Take responsibility for your own stuff and if you’re hurt, heal. I’m not giving rude people a pass. The golden rule always applies.

People are afraid of what they don’t know. If we get to know each other, the fear goes away. When we practice healthy boundaries and step into our power, that helps a whole lot, too.

Kids don’t think about race. Not in the same way we do. They notice skin color, but it’s only in the way that they notice the color of the sky. It has no value or judgment to it. It’s just different. We can learn a lot from kids. If you have a preoccupation with race, whether that’s because you feel like you have to right a wrong or because you have been on the receiving end of the wrong, I am inviting you to embrace your inner child and let that go. Whether you are engaging in racism or being the victim of racism, you are creating the energy of racism. Either extreme is still racism. The only way to heal it is to step out of the paradigm. 

Be the whole rainbow, not just one color. Love is a beautiful thing, y’all. And when you give it away, it grows.

Sending everyone love today. Thanks for listening. Don’t forget to review and subscribe. Race is always a controversial topic, and I’d love to get your take on it, so leave me a comment! Chime in! And if you want to be with people like me who want a more unified world and more connection, join my private community. The link is in the show notes. I’m Laura Giles, and I’ll see you next week!