Healing the Father Relationship

How’s Your Relationship With the Father?

You know, here in America we have some really rotten statistics around fatherhood. Twenty five per cent of men are fathers of minor children. A third of all children don’t have a father in the home, and 43% don’t have a father in their lives at all. After spending over 20 years doing trauma therapy and holistic health, I believe that the way to a happy, meaningful life is through having healthy relationships. With father’s day coming up, I want to talk about our collective relationship with the Father archetype, what to do if your relationship with your father isn’t great, and how to be a better father.

Hi. I’m Laura Giles, your host of Surviving to Thriving. Welcome to this week’s episode. I’m glad to have you here. If you enjoy our content, please show us some appreciation and subscribe or review the podcast. I also invite you to come over to my free community so we can get to know each other. The link is in the show notes.

If you think about the founding of the United States, it’s no surprise that our relationship with Fatherhood is so abysmal. The conquerors of this land had a history of destroying cultures by removing kids to boarding schools so that they family bonds and those cultures were broken. We see this in Native Americans as well as the descendants of African slaves, but it happened in Ireland, Scotland, Australia, and with other conquered people too, so it’s not just an American problem. We are still living with that legacy, and while some populations are hit harder than others, it’s a societal problem that crosses all racial and cultural lines. When we destroyed the father for some people, we destroy it for all because you can’t do something to someone else without it impacting you. We’re One.

Even if you have a father, fatherlessness impacts society by how it shapes the world around us. Did you know that 90% of runaways come from a fatherless home? 80% of violent rapists and 70% of kids held in a residential facility, and 71% of high school drop outs come from fatherless homes. Kids without a father are more likely to be obese, become teen parents, commit suicide, and have addiction problems. And these are not slim margins. They are extreme.

When I come on here and tell you stories about the moon, fairy tales, trees, and animals, it’s not just to entertain you. It’s to inspire some curiosity so that you can get to know them and build a relationship with them. Having a connected, relational life is to have a relationship with ALL OF LIFE. It’s not just about your romantic partner. 

Building a relationship with fatherhood is part of living a holistic life. You have to know what the father energy or archetype is if you are to try to be a good father or repair your relationship with your own. And I don’t necessarily mean that you conjure one from thin air if he wasn’t there or that you engage in a toxic one that is not going to be good for you. I’m really talking about your relationship with the father archetype. 

The Father has a lot of functions, but his main two are to provide the seed from which life springs, so he is a co-creator with the Mother who provides the womb for the incubation of life, and he is the protector of that life. Some of his other energies are things like ethics, self-sufficiency, rules, potency or power, discipline, authority, and ambition. The Father is reliable, supportive, and giving. He provides safety and security. 

The Father’s masculine energy is the complement to the Mother’s feminine energy. She is receptive, he is giving. She is emotional, he’s logical. She’s being, he’s doing. She’s changing, he’s constant. She’s pleasure driven, he’s purpose driven. She is intuitive, he’s analytical. She listens, he speaks. Neither is superior to the other. They balance each other. And I am not saying that all men and women look this way. We all have access to both masculine and feminine energies. I just point this out to give you an idea of what to look for as you think about what a healthy father is. When both of these energies are present in a healthy way, we’re whole. The father is the energy that gives us stability and safety. If you didn’t grow up feeling secure, it’s probably because you lacked healthy father energy.

When the Father energy is unhealthy, he shows up as pride, arrogance, aggression, cruelty, rigidity, abuse, emotional distance or coldness, dogma, and self-righteousness. The unhealthy Father can be overbearing, overprotective, a dictator, or a rescuer. Maybe he’s too hands off and doesn’t provide enough structure or support. There is always the healthy expression of an energy and the unhealthy, which is either too much or too little. 

So, let’s look at some examples to see what I mean. Do you remember Al Bundy from Married With Children? Sorry, I know that I am not hip to pop culture. I haven’t watched tv in years, but Al Bundy is this shoe salesman who peaked in high school when he was a football player. It’s all that he thinks about. His family thinks he’s a loser. He is forgotten and never considered. He provides for the family, but doesn’t seem to get any benefit from being a part of the family.

This is a real problem for the Father archetype. He can be lonely and unappreciated because he gives without expectation of receiving. He does what he does out of love and it can be taken for granted.

When I was growing up, my best friend’s family had a cabin in the country. We would go down there often on the weekends. And this cabin didn’t have central heat or air. It had a wood stove. At night the fire would go out and it would be freezing, but her dad would always wake up early and make sure that we all got up to a toasty room. That’s what healthy dad’s do. They do the uncomfortable stuff to make sure that their people are well taken care of. 

It’s easy to overlook little things like that, but if you grow up without it, imagine how uncared for and neglected you might feel. If you are a boy who didn’t grow up with that, what kind of dad do you think you’d be? We know what we experience. It’s hard to give what you didn’t have, and that’s where we are today.

We’ve all grown up in a society where many men didn’t grow up with healthy role models and women didn’t either. So it’s the wild west out there. People are trying to do the best they can, but maybe don’t know what to do.

That’s why we have these archetypes. They can guide us through the rough spots if we take the middle path.

Let’s look at another tv dad. How about Tywin Lannister. He’s the patriarch from Game of Thrones. Clearly he’s not going to win any father of the year awards. He is a stage dad who pushes all of his children to make the family look good and leave a family legacy. He’s the tyrannical, emotionally abusive dad. He does provide, but he doesn’t nurture or support at all. He expects that what he gives his children will come back in the form of status, respect, fear, or some sort of pay back for the family. He doesn’t give anything free. He’s all about appearances. That’s not a great example.

So, you know who is a healthy dad? Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He is a provider, protector, who is supportive of all his children. He loves his wife and is good to her. So, he’s a good partner. He tries to guide his kids without overstepping or being too standoffish. He’s ethical, reliable, and has good boundaries. He will say no, but when he does, he’s fair. Uncle Phil is a good example of the Father archetype.

As far as deities, the mother is well represented in religion. There isn’t a clear father that I can think of. The best example is probably someone like Dionysis, Greek god of the wine, or the Green Man, or the horned god. Remember that the father is the seed giver. He’s the male counterpart to the female, so his role is the continuation of life. This is why he provides, protects, and serves. It’s for the continuation of the species.

So, the Father is going to be an agricultural god, or a hunter to make sure that the plants, animals, and soil remain fertile and abundant. So he would be a nature god. Dionysus represented the sap, juice, or lifeblood element of nature. He had these rituals for women where they’d get drunk off wine and go kind of wild. Lots of people didn’t like Dionysus because he is natural and wild. When Athenians dishonored him, Dionysis punished them with impotence. So, the fertility element of the Father is just as important as the Mother. We need both for life to continue.

Dionysus didn’t just create ecstasy, he inspired art, poetry, and literature. So, I would think of this the same way we think of the Mother’s creativity. It’s not just about having babies. It’s the creation of all things. You don’t have to be a parent to embody the mother or father energy.

The Egyptian god, Osiris, can also be thought of as a Father deity. He was the god of the underworld, so death, and also fertility, and rebirth. Osiris and his sister/wife, Isis, introduced agriculture to the people, so again we have this association with vegetation with the father. I don’t know if many men view themselves, or their fathers in this way, but I think it’s important for all people to have a relationship with the land, food, and a care for the continuation of life.

Are you starting to see why fatherlessness is such a big deal? We all need this guiding hand in our lives throughout our lifespan. I grew up a daddy’s girl and part of the challenge of childhood is to separate from your parents and become your own person. I did that, and things weren’t the same as they were when I was small because I didn’t need my dad in the same way. But as I get older, I realize that I do.

Our parents don’t become obsolete because we grow up. The relationship just changes. They have already walked the path that we’re on, so we can always look to them for guidance - if they are healthy role models. I think it’s normal to get to a place where you think you know it all and don’t need them anymore, then you wise up and realize that you do. So, nurture those relationships.

So, what do you do if your relationship with your father isn’t great? Let’s talk about that.

The first thing I’d say about that is to forgive so you can start where you are. Let go of the past. It’s over. What happened happened. You both did the best you could. You can’t expect someone to give what they didn’t have. If you need some help with this step, reach out to me. This is what I do, and my contact information is the show notes.

Next, accept things for the way they are. Be realistic. If your dad is Ted Bundy you can’t expect him to be the Brady Bunch dad or The Cosby Show dad. It’s just not going to happen. Things are what they are. If you wanted a sports dad and your dad is a geek, well, that’s how it goes. See if you can find some common ground and build from there.

That leads me to the next point. Get clear on your intentions. What do you want from him? Can he realistically give that? Have you clearly asked for that? Does he want that? This is a relationship. You both have a say in creating the relationship from this day forward. If you go into it with clarity, you are much more likely to come out the other side with something that feels satisfying.

For example, I recently had a conversation about just these things with someone who didn’t have a great relationship with her dad. Just by talking about these things, she was able to see that she wasn’t being fair to her dad. She was expecting him to be something that he wasn’t. Dad showed love in a way that she didn’t receive it, and when she acknowledged that, she realized that her dad was actually more involved in her life and cared more than she previously felt. 

So sometimes there are disconnects that can be fixed by a dose of compassion and realistic expectations. And sometimes our relationship with our dad is distant or not as satisfying because we see them through a lens of supposed tos, or someone else’s comments about them, rather than what’s in our own heart. 

Another thing you can do is to establish healthy boundaries. Sometimes it’s you. Sometimes it’s dad, and sometimes it’s both of you. Regardless, all relationships need healthy boundaries. If you put up with stuff to get free babysitting, or money, or perks of some kind then your dad is going to keep doing those things that you don’t like. You’re going to have to choose whether you want a healthy relationship or not. And don’t sell yourself short, often our parents will comply with your requests - especially if there are grandkids because they want to see the grandkids. So, if you don’t want them cursing, smoking in the house, or wearing shoes in the house or whatever it is that they do that you don’t like, speak up. Be firm, fair, and consistent. Don’t say it and then not back it up. Be firm. We teach people how to treat us, and you have to show your parents that you are an adult. When you act like one, they are much more likely to treat you like one.

I know there are some parents who think you are their baby. You’re always going to be their baby, and what they say goes. If that’s the case, then maybe you limit the time that you spend in their house where they get to make the rules. Part of the healthy father’s role is to know when to let go. He’s rearing independent adults, not perpetual children. You may need to stand up for your independence to get it, but a little push back never hurt anybody.

If your father is dead or gone and you can’t reconnect, reparent yourself. Give yourself what you wish that you had gotten from him. We can get fixated on thinking that our mother and father has to play the role of mother and father, but anyone can. I know kids who didn’t have great parents whose life was changed by a coach, a teacher, or a neighbor who believed in them. That’s the beauty of archetypes. Everybody embodies one main archetype and then lots of others that come and go. We can all be mothers, fathers, warriors, teachers, or victims. Archetypes are universal. So, one of the best ways to forgive someone else for not fulfilling their role of mother or father is to step into those shoes and do it for yourself.

One thing that that will do for you is to teach you how challenging it is. So, you might have compassion for them for not being able to juggle all their concerns. Yes, our children are our most important care. And we still have to get our work done, sleep, clean the house, do taxes, and meet all the other obligations that we have in our modern lives. It doesn’t always get done. And we do make mistakes. Sometimes they are big ones. If you parent yourself, it’s not too late to get what you didn’t get when you were younger.

If this is too hard, there might be some trauma to overcome. Trauma makes it hard to see clearly or to cope effectively. You might know something isn’t logical, but you think it or do it anyway. You might know that you’re overreacting, but your body goes from zero to sixty anyway. You might want to engage and be happy, but you shut down the minute you hear his voice. All those are trauma symptoms. That won’t go away by changing your mindset or being positive. You need some specialized help for that.

Finally, you can also try to get to know each other as adults. The parent of our childhood might not be the person they are now. People can mellow with age and experience. Maybe you’re the one who mellows. I don’t know. Go into it with an open mind and open heart. You don’t have to want a close, warm relationship, but if you can get a respectful, connected one, that’s probably good enough. Who knows? Maybe you will even like each other in time.

If you are a father who hasn’t been a great father, my suggestion is to own your stuff. Be honest and realistic. Apologize if anyone is willing to listen. Make amends. There is nothing like sincerity and humility to warm up someone’s heart. Most of us want to have a good relationship with our parents. They are our first loves (and I don’t mean that in an incestuous way, but a childlike innocent way). We want our mother and father to be the Prince Charming and Goddess that we believe them to be. A little vulnerability can go a long way in helping that to happen.

If you’ve never written a gratitude letter, Father’s Day and reconciling with your kid is a great reason to do one. And remember what I said about father’s doing what they do without any expectation of getting anything back. Being a father is an act of service. It’s not about you or what you get. It’s what you give. Your kids didn’t ask to be here, but it’s your job to care for their mental, emotional, and physical needs while they are young.

If you want to connect with the Father archetype in general, think about how you use your authority. How do you lead and protect? What seeds are you planting? Are you a perpetual child who wants others to provide and care for you? Is it time to step up? How do you provide for your own safety and security? Is your guidance of others firm and loving? Are you able to show emotion and be humble? So many men are brought up with this idea that boys don’t cry and the phrase “you gotta be a man” is meant to convey that you have to be this strong figure all the time without emotions or flaws, but the Green Man is a whole man. Be whole and flawed. That’s what makes him real.

The big thing to remember about the father is that he’s a servant. Until we put him in that rightful place, that father energy will likely be out of balance. In many cultures for thousands of years, the father has been the dictator. In ancient Rome, the father could kill his wife and children if they dishonored him. That’s still socially true, if not legally true, in some parts of the Middle East for wives and daughters. 

There was a social and religious tradition that a man could beat his wife and children as long as the stick wasn’t bigger than his thumb. Wives and children were seen as property. In many places, a woman couldn’t leave her husband. If she did, she forfeit her money, property, reputation, and children.

That’s not the role of a servant. That’s where others must serve you. If you want connection, everyone has to have a seat at the table and be seen as equals. Not equal in skills, beauty, or resources, but of equal value. 

Another negative stereotype is the father as the strong, silent type who doesn’t get emotionally involved. It’s do your work and don’t blub about it. You aren’t allowed to have emotions. You’re just a robot type of servant. That’s not what we’re going for either. It’s not about duty for the sake of checking the box that says, “I did that.” A servant serves from love, not obligation. As Earthlings, I believe that the servant is something that we all embody as a default role. We’re all stewards of the earth and of our communities for as long as we’re here. We can’t belong without serving each other. 

The healthy father is powerful. His rule is law, but he guides from a place of love. He is an administrator, judge, and king, and by king I am talking about someone who sees the big picture and looks after the entire kingdom, rather than having people do what pleases him. This love, this humility that comes from being a servant, is what allows him to rule justly. 

I remember when I was working with two other facilitators on a retreat. It was just before the guests arrived and we were talking about our vision for the retreat and getting to know each other. One of the instructors definitely had this attitude that he was the master and everybody should respect and follow him. He could not wrap his head around the idea of being a servant. He just thought that was humiliating, but it takes humility to put other’s needs ahead of your own and get up at 6:00 in the morning and go out in the cold to get the wood and make the fire so that everyone can get up to a toasty warm house. It takes humility to get up, as my father did, early in the morning and leave the house to go to work when nobody sees you or thanks you for what you’re doing. It's that humility and love that keeps you from wielding your power in a tyrannical way. 

It’s almost Father’s Day here in the USA, and I hope that this podcast helps you to think bout the Father archetype in a different way so that you can have a healthier relationship with the Father. We’ve had generations of absent fathers because of trauma, imprisonment, social genocide, and just not having leaders who model what a healthy father looks like. We need to do better with our father statistics. 

And don’t forget that you can channel father energy and mentor someone who isn’t your own child. Healthy fathers matter to everyone. Happy Father’s Day, guys.