Go From Victim to Survivor in 4 Steps

We are full swing into the holiday season, and whether you celebrate Christmas, Hannukah, the Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa, Yule, or something else this season, many of us engage in that celebration with family.

When your family is awesome and close, it can be a joyous time, but family is also the source of a lot of childhood baggage that can be tweaked at this time of year if it hasn’t been healed yet, so if you are feeling irritable, like your little kid self, or hate the holidays, maybe it’s time to tackle that underlying stuff so that this will be the last time you have a tense holiday season. 

Today I am going to show you how to move from victim to survivor in just four steps because we don’t know what we don’t know, right?

First, I want to give some love and gratitude to Belinda, for her podcast review. Thanks, Belinda for that virtual high five.

Reviews are the lifeblood of a podcast, so it’s very meaningful. And if you want to help me out, you can review anywhere you listen to the podcast. That’s much appreciated. 

Okay, when I was an intern in undergrad and graduate school, my internships were in domestic violence and sexual assault.

I worked as a legal advocate and counselor, and a lot of people didn’t realize they were in abusive situations because they didn’t think that things were that bad.

Maybe they grew up in worse situations or were comparing it to something worse and felt that it was tolerable. Lots of people think that abuse is breaking someone’s nose or leaving them bleeding. 

For example, my very first client was this woman whom I will call Sandra. So, it’s my first day on the job. I know nothing about anything, and I am sitting and observing my boss with Sandra.

We’re in this typical corporate type building with the fluorescent lights, corporate style cheap desks, the metal credenza in the corner, and the schoolhouse tiles on the floor. So, it’s not a warm environment at all and here’s this woman who is driven to desperation, asking us for help.

Sandra is telling us that she loves her partner. He’s not a bad guy. He just as a temper issue. She shouldn’t have pushed his buttons, but he went too far this time, and she wants to teach him a lesson. 

Mind you, Sandra’s face is puffy from being hit in the eye. She’s got grab marks on her arms from where he held her so forcefully that you can still see where his fingers were. And she’s telling us that she never thought of it as domestic violence.

So, let’s pause here. Even if this isn’t your tale of woe, I want to make sure that everyone listening here knows what abuse looks like. Because nobody becomes a victim in a healthy household. 

Obvious abuse is what Sandra looks like. She’s got marks on her from where someone violated her boundaries and put their hands on her.

That’s not cool. That’s way over the line. It doesn’t matter what Sandra did. She didn’t deserve that. We can solve issues without violence.

Abuse is about power and control. One person assumes power and control over someone else through intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, manipulation, threats, money, sex, using children as pawns, or physical violence.

It’s not just hitting, kicking, slapping, choking, and the more obvious things we think of - and I say “more obvious” because it’s not obvious to some people. I have had women tell me that they didn’t think choking was domestic violence. 

So, for someone like that, I guess they don’t think someone is crossing the line until they’ve committed murder. I don’t often tell people what to do, but I want you to draw the line at anything that encroaches on your personal sovereignty.

You get to decide where you want to be, when you want to be there, how you want to spend your time and money, who you want to hang out with, what you want to wear, what job you want to do, and how to parent your kids without any threats, intimidation, or manipulation.

You get to decide who to have sex with, how you want to do that, and when you don’t want to do that. That is your right. 

Nobody has the right to tell you otherwise. They don’t get to do that because they are your parent, a man, your partner, or your boss.

If you are afraid of losing your job, getting kicked out, being hit, being left, or not being loved, if you don’t do what someone wants you to, you’re in an abusive relationship. If you are using tactics like that to control someone, make them love you or do what you want them to do, or behave how you want them to behave, you’re being abusive.

Anybody with empathy can become a victim of domestic violence. In relationships, we practice give and take and sometimes we can slowly give too much and find ourselves isolated or playing small to make our partner feel safe and happy.

Abuse isn’t restricted to any particular gender, race, or class. It happens everywhere. 

Now, if we grew up with yelling, screaming, insults, punching holes in the walls and that kind of thing, that can feel normal. It might be normal, but it’s terrorizing - especially to little kids.

So, I’m asking you to practice a little self-awareness and other awareness and look at this type of behavior in a different way. Just because you wake up the next day and nobody is complaining about it doesn’t mean it’s okay. 

Everybody has a right to decide how they want to live. Everyone has a right to be safe. If you are with someone who wants something different, and don’t want that in your life, you can leave and find someone who wants what you want.

That’s the happiest solution. Trust me, you can live without each other. 

Now, I’m talking about how to move from being a victim to a survivor. This might sound like I am talking about only about the person on the receiving end of the abuse, but I am talking about both.

People who rage around and act all big and scary learned that too. People who are meek, passive-aggressive, and quietly manipulative they learn that, too. These are survival tactics.

We all need to get our needs met, and we figure out ways to do that. This is what worked best for them.

In all these scenarios, these people were victims of someone in their past who didn’t show them how to respect people and resolve issues calmly.

It takes two to create this game, and both sides can heal.

I’m also not just talking about domestic violence. Let’s sidebar for a moment to give you little pop quiz, okay?

I’m going to ask you 10 yes or no questions and you keep track of how many yeses you have, ready?

During the first 18 years of your life:

#1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often swear at you, insult you, put you down or humiliate you or act in a way that you made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?

#2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often push, grab, slap, or throw something at you or hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?

#3 Did an adult or person at least 5 years old her than you ever touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way or try to have oral, anal, or vaginal sex with you?

#4 Did you often feel that no one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special. Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other or support each other?

#5 Did you often feel that you didn’t have enough to eat, had dirty clothes to wear or had no one to protect you. Were your parents too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if needed?

#6 Were your parents ever separated or divorce?

#7 Was your parent or step-parent often pushed, grabbed, slapped or had something thrown at them, hit with something hard, hit repeatedly over a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?

#8 Did you live with someone who was a problem drinker, alcoholic or used recreational drugs?

#9 Was a household member depressed, mentally ill, or attempted suicide?

#10. Did a household member go to prison?

These questions from from the Adverse Childhood Experiences Questionnaire. It shows various forms of abuse that people overlook because it was their normal existence.

The higher you score, the more problematic your adult life will probably be.

Higher numbers are associated with addiction, early sexual activity, promiscuity, a high number of sex partners, sexually transmitted diseases, depression, suicide attempts, and liver disease.

Chronic disease later in life is also associate with higher scores. These are things like heart disease, diabetes, lung cancer, and auto immune diseases as well as post traumatic stress disorder.

Not to mention that the life expectancy for someone with a score of 6 or more is up to 20 years lower than average, so abuse is a big deal.

The first step putting an end to it is to become aware.

Actually, I think this the most important thing that all of us can do regardless of where we are on our journey, but when it comes to moving from victim to survivor, I am talking about creating awareness of who you are, what you want, how you feel, how you show up and use your power, and gap between all that and where you want to be. 

You want to become aware of what healthy looks like. Become aware of what abuse looks like. What’s gaslighting?

This is an important one because abusive people use blame, guilt, and duty to reinforce their entitlement to whatever it is they want.

They are great at flipping the script so that no matter what, you’re the bad guy and the wrong one. When you’re more aware of this, you’re can begin to find the ammo to shift your mind set. 

If you can upgrade your social circle, this can help a ton.

We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, and if you surround yourself with people who are calm and talk things out without yelling, threats, or passive-aggressive power plays and guilt, you’re more likely to pick up some healthy habits.

If you stay in an unhealthy environment, this is going to be more challenging because your environment will reinforce the victim mindset. 

The victim mind set says, “This is okay. He’s worth it. We’re worth it. It’s not that bad. I can change him.”

The healthy mindset says, “Oh, my God. This is a huge problem. I’m worth more than this. I deserve to be treated well. I have to rescue myself.”

Or if you realize that you’re the abuser, maybe it’s more like, “Oh, my God! I’ve got to get a grip. I love these people.

I don’t want to lose these people. How can I be a healthier person?” Regardless of which side of this you’re on, nothing is going to change until your mindset changes. 

I’ve had clients who grew up in violence every day.

They witnessed drive-by shootings, people overdosing in the street, getting yelled at every day, being called every name in the book by their mother.

And they did it right back because that’s what they learned.

That leads us to step 2. It’s recognizing that it’s not your fault. It’s just what you learned, and it is your responsibility to change it.

To do that, you’ve got to forgive yourself.

Some people don’t get started on the road to recovery because it means they have to look at their past or their role in what’s happening and the guilt and shame are too great.

What happened to us as children is never our fault. It’s not a child's fault that he was molested by a babysitter any more than it would be for another child was taken to Disneyland for his birthday.

Those weren’t our actions, and we had nothing to do with them. 

And we still have to play the cards we’re dealt. So forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for all the things you did or didn’t do before your self-awareness kicked in.

I know it can feel like getting off scott free and a lot of people feel like they have to pay an eye for an eye to even the score. You don’t.

You don’t have to be whipped through the streets naked before you can go on and live a good life. You also don’t have to have justice for the wrongs that were done to you.

All you have to do is let go.

One of the most inspiring TEDTalks I’ve ever heard was by Sammy Rangel. He talks about how he endured the most horrific abuse from the time he was an infant.

His mother was a one woman show of torture who used beatings, emotional neglect, name calling, starvation, and withholding the very basic things needed for survival.

She allowed others to abuse him, and I think he was eleven years old when he started running away. No surprise, he ended up in a gang.

And what would you expect from someone who came from that? That’s all he knew, so of course he was into drugs, violent crime and promiscuity.

Naturally, prison followed, and that’s when his life started to turn around.

We all have a turning point where we can stay on the track we’re on or take a turn for something different.

If we let guilt and shame hold us back because we feel we don’t deserve it, or because other people tell us we don’t deserve it, then we let our past determine our future, and every moment is a choice. 

We start to claim that possibility when we start paying attention. That’s step one. Until you see what’s here, you can’t change it. So forgive yourself.

Sammy Rangel’s whole message is all about how forgiveness changed his life. It changed his path, his heart, his kid’s future, and he’s paying it forward by sharing that message with others.

That’s the message of Jesus and lots of healers. It’s timeless because it works. 

But it’s just the beginning.

Step three is to assume radical responsibility to learn new thoughts and skills.

So, we learned how to accept or give abuse and assume a victim mentality. Now we’re going to learn something new, something healthier.

Now, what I see here is that a lot of people - especially those with a victim mentality - want someone else to do the work for them.

They want to take a pill, do a ceremony, or have some other type of magical experience where the healing just happens, and that’s not a very likely scenario.

It happens from time to time, but it’s the exception rather than the rule. If you want to live a healthy lifestyle, you’re going to have to learn how. 

When I take people on spiritual tours or retreats, we have some amazing times and heal some really deep stuff, but you’ve got to go home.

You can’t stay on tour or retreat forever. That’s actually the main reason why I created the Let It Go Now community.

You can call it aftercare. It’s a way to learn how to hold on to the magic after the fairy dust settles. 

If you go into a safe situation where you’re well cared for, seeing beautiful things, inspired, have great company, your heart is full, of course you’re going to feel great and have a really easy time of letting stuff go and going with the flow.

But when you’re back in your job that you hate, your family who ignores each other, and the old life - all that stuff matters.

How are you going to hold on to that good feeling if you haven’t changed your thinking or the daily way you move in the world?

Last week I talked about that in the podcast about spiritual travel.

Magic happens for sure, but in the beginning, I’d have to go back over and over again to get my fix because it would wear off. Now I can create it myself wherever I am.

Nobody can give you that. It can be hard to make changes like that, but remember that I said that abuse is about power and control.

What you’re learning here is how to stand in your own power without violating someone else’s boundaries. It’s about learning where your no is and how to say it with authority so others don’t run over you.

It’s about learning how to hear no and respect the no. It's also about learning how to say yes to things you do want.

You don’t want to be a meek little mouse who is always living in someone else’s shadow.

You have dreams and desires that you want to bring into the world, and the world needs your juicy sauce. It doesn’t help you or anyone else to opt out of life.

You’re here. Having great social, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and creative skills will help you present your ideas and talents in a way that is absolutely delicious.

People who are stomped on and play small can be dried up inside because they rely on other people to give them attention, love, and all the things that make life worthwhile.

When you run under your own power, it’s all you.

You can go anywhere and do anything. It’s all up to you. Is being in the driver’s seat starting to sound a little more fascinating and empowering? I hope so.

Christina Aguilera, Rhianna, Halle Berry, Oprah, and Madonna endured abuse during their lives, and they didn’t let it stop them.

Being on the receiving end or the giving end of abuse doesn’t have to be a reason to hide your light under a bushel.

There is life after today - whatever today brings. Good or bad, every day is a new one. 

When you forgive, it really does clean the slate and gives yourself the ability to start over fresh. 

Really, no one can give that to you.

We can ask for forgiveness for things we’ve done. We can give it to others, but honestly, the only thing you need is to absolve yourself.

Your stuff is your stuff. My stuff is my stuff. When we all carry our own stuff, life is so much simpler.

This is one of the ways I help people to heal because so many people are carrying the weight of generations.

So many walk into a room and start trying to make everyone else okay and comfortable. They just take it all on. 

When you do that, you take away their lessons and growth. Let them have it. Don’t be a beast of burden or sacrificial lamb. Mind your own business and do you. Cool? 

Okay, where am I? Oh, step 4 is to step into your power and do something.

Take action. It’s not enough to be the know it all.

How many people do you know who have taken a thousand courses and know all kinds of stuff, and are still in the same situation they were in a year ago? Ten years ago?

It’s not enough to have intellectual data. You have to do something with it. Practice it. Live it. You’ve got to take action.

Knowing that people can’t read your mind is not the same as speaking up and asking for what you want.

Knowing that it’s not okay for people to put their hands on you or to try to guilt trip you isn’t the same as letting them know that it’s not okay. If you sit back and complain about it, you’re still in that victim mentality.

Life is happening to you, and you’re not in the driver’s seat yet. 

Trust me, life’s more fun and interesting when you’re at the wheel.

Now, you’re going to fail. There are going to be times when it’s easier to go back to your old habits. When those days come, remember this story.

Once upon a time, the son of a master thief asked his father to teach him the secrets of the trade. The old thief agreed and that night took his son to burglarize a large house.

While the family was asleep, he silently led his young apprentice into a room that contained a clothes closet. The father told his son to go into the closet to pick out some clothes.

When he did, his father quickly shut the door and locked him in. Then he went back outside, knocked loudly on the front door, waking up the family.

The father quickly slipped away before anyone saw him. Hours later, his son returned home, bedraggled and exhausted.

"Father," he cried angrily, "Why did you lock me in that closet?

If I hadn't been made desperate by my fear of getting caught, I never would have escaped. It took all my ingenuity to get out!"

The old thief smiled. "Son, you have had your first lesson in the art of burglary.”

Throw down the gauntlet. Look at this as a do or die situation.

Find your princess, and by that I mean to find your most compelling reason to break this habit of abuse so that you, your kids, your family, and your friends can live a more peaceful, happy, and connected life.

Someone has got to lead, and if it’s not you, then who’s it going to be?

If you wait for Prince Charming to come along and save you, you could be waiting a long time when you could just do it yourself. 

Now, at any time during this process, your mindset could change from victim to survivor. You see, all that is is a mindset.

The victim sits back and waits for someone else to change. They hope. They pray.

They try to influence the abuser to stop.

They try to placate him and love him into being different, and while we all need someone to love and believe in us, that doesn’t generally result in a lot of change. 

The survivor is the one who looks at the past and says, “So, what? This doesn’t define me” and keeps on going.

The survivor knows that what happens to us doesn’t define us. The survivor uses experiences as a data bank to learn and grow.

Okay, so I grew up poor? Cool. I’ll let that teach me humility, the value of hard work, and how to use money to help others. 

I endured domestic violence? Cool.

I will use that to teach my children to value and respect others. I’ll give my kids a safe space to grow up in so that cycle stops.

And I will use this experience to give others in danger a safe place to escape.

I endured systemic racism. Cool. I’ll use my voice as a comic, teacher, or parent to highlight the contributions and value of people of all colors and religions so that no one else has to feel bullied or small. 

Do you see what I’m saying? Anger and playing small are just two of the ways that we respond to injustice, fear, hate, and abuse.

We have so many other choices. And since the energy that we put out is the energy that we get back, I’d rather respond to things that invalidate me with kindness and forgiveness.

Now, we’re all human. None of us is Jesus, so if you see me on a day when I’m not doing that, I’ll ask that you give me grace, and I will do the same.

No judgment. I hope nobody is out here to walk on water. I just want to let you know that there are options. You don’t have to be perfect, just one the road to improvement.

Every holiday season doesn’t have to be something that you dread or that leaves you feeling like you’re about to have a nervous breakdown by new years.

So if you’re in a place where you can close your eyes for a moment, imagine with me now a holiday where everyone is laughing. You’re with healthy people who like you and respect you. It feels really good inside.

You’re happy to be here. Love is flowing freely, and it’s the holiday that you always wanted. Just let yourself imagine it.

Now seal that image in your heart and let that be the thing that guides you forward. Lots of people have this and you can, too.

It starts with you. Step into your power and make it happen. Got it on your calendar for Christmas 2023?

I don’t think it’s realistic to change a lifetime of stuff in a few days, but by next year, things could look really different. You can do this.

And if you need some help or support, join my community. It’s free.

What have you got to lose? The website is in the show notes. We’ll support you through it. It’s four little steps. You got this.

Ciao, guys!