Could THIS Be Why Your Addiction Treatment Isn't Working?

It’s spring and there is so much to talk about with the changing of the seasons. I am super excited about diving into the Air element, but I follow the energy and the energy around me is on addiction. If you have an addiction or know someone with an addiction, and that’s just about everybody right, stay tuned. I think this is going to blow your mind because I’m going to talk about it from a holistic, natural point of view.

So, welcome to Surviving to Thriving. That’s exactly what we do here. Each week I basically point to how you can see your life in the sacred wheel, in nature. Once you know what you’re looking at, it becomes a mirror and a guidepost. You always know where you are and what to do next. If that appeals to you, click that subscribe button! Share it with someone you love. It’s always a great way to show reciprocity and give a virtual high five.

New diagnoses - love addiction is insecure attachment. It’s all the same thing. 10,000 ways to say the same thing and create specialists and 4 step programs that you don’t need and don’t work because they don’t go to the root of the problem. 

Wrong diagnosis, wrong approach. Don’t need a nutritionist for an eating disorder until the late stages.

All addiction is the result of not being well nurtured at birth. Sucking, crying, needs not being met. If your needs are met, you feel secure and trust that you’re worthy, good, and you can meet your own needs. If you don’t, you continue to look outside of yourself for this and don’t trust that you can ever feel full. It becomes about chasing satisfaction and hanging on to feeling good. So, essentially it’s a fear of abandonment.

Don’t blame your mom or your caretaker. They can’t give what they don’t have. If their parents didn’t have it, how would you expect them to have it. Other reasons: didn’t know you existed, domestic violence, had to work, too many kids and not enough time or energy, illness, trauma. 

If it’s your problem now, it’s up to you to fix it for your benefit and also for everyone around you. We’re one. You matter to everyone. Clean yourself up. Clean up your own house, yard, and neighborhood. It matters. It may not be fair, but it is what it is. And it’s compassionate. There is no point in blaming now. It won’t change it.

First stage is wanting connection. Drink to be more social so you can get closer to people, have the courage to speak, get over that anxiety and fear of being rejected, or to be engaging and fun. 

Sex addiction is about scratching that skin hunger. We all need healthy touch and our society is so touch phobic that the only socially acceptable way to get it is through sex or rough sports. Hold someone’s hand for Pete’s sake! Hug. Snuggle. You don’t have to be the opposite sex to snuggle. Cuddle Parties. Snuggle your kids.

Gambling and drugs is about getting that adrenaline hit, that high that also comes from touch. Oxytocin. This is why people “catch feelings” when they sleep with people they never intend to like and aren’t a good fit for them. 

Food does the same thing. It’s oxytocin, a feel good hormone. Food is also associated with happy gatherings, so it’s a way to feel the way you do when you’re connected with family and society. So, it’s all about wanting to feel good.

I’ve talked about Rat Park before on this podcast, but here’s a quick review in case you missed that one…

Now, I am not sure about other addictions, but food addiction has a second stage. This is about wanting control. Criticism and judgment are a HUGE part of eating disorders. Eating what you want is a way of displaying control and defiance. It’s a way to say, “I am here! I can do what I want! I won’t be controlled.” 

In the latter stages of eating disorders, a nutritionist is a good idea because of the malnutrition. A person doesn’t want to eat anymore because the body is shutting down. Giving someone the B vitamins can kick in the hunger reflex again. But focusing on nutrition is basically cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s like seeing someone who is starving for affection and giving them a book. Logic and education isn’t going to scratch an itch of connection because there is no lock and key. That’s not the problem, so it doesn’t really fix it.

Third stage is wanting to die. If alcoholic starts out drinking to be social, in the latter stages, they may drink alone. It’s to obliterate the hopelessness of ever feeling whole again. Or when someone gambles and loses it all, it’s a way to push them over the edge into suicide or putting themselves in harms way so that something or someone else kills them. It’s still a death wish.

If it’s food addiction, it could be through disease or malnutrition. Sex addiction could be through disease or picking the wrong person who ends up killing you.

Think about domestic violence. On the surface, it’s a crazy thing. Someone hurts you really bad, and you stay! You somehow convince yourself that its’ not that bad, they love you, and you love them, and nothing bad will ever happen again. It defies logic, doesn’t it? It’s all about the need for connection, and in latter stages, the desire to die. And that happens, doesn’t it?

A while back, on this podcast, I said there are only two things - love and fear. Fear creates distance and harm to ourselves and others. We do things without thinking. We even divorce ourselves from ourselves and don’t see the harm we are doing by isolating, overworking, laying in bed all day, letting people disrespect us, or doing other not healthy things. It just all slips underneath the radar. 

Love and awareness makes all this present. You can’t do these things when you are aware of them. It hurts too much. It hurts too much to see someone suffering and not at least witness. When we do talking circles, that’s what we’re doing for each other. I can’t tell you what a gift that is. We all want to be seen. 

That’s what the toddler is crying for when they are swinging and she says, “Mommy, look at me!” We stop saying that, but we never stop wanting that. 

Sometimes it’s too hard to ask for it because we think we will be laughed at, rejected, or judged. As a coach and therapist, that’s the most important thing I do. NO, as a HUMAN, that’s the most important thing that I do. And I’m going to ask you to do that, too.

I believe we can end addiction of all sorts right now by doing that for each other. It’s really not about quitting using substances or eating or gambling. If someone is successful with that, the hunger still rages inside.

We’ve got to be better humans, more compassionate, less controlling, judgmental, and more supportive. Everything really is going to be alright. You’re alright just as you are. I can’t tell you how healing that is.

I’ve had more than a few clients come to me and act out. They have come to session drunk, high, with cuts on them, and done other self-destructive things thinking that they were going to be chastised, judged, rejected, or kicked out. I have even been in higher level professional teaching environments where people have said that they will only talk to their clients if they are dressed, sitting up, speaking in respectful tones, and things like that. i’ve had many clients say that they’ve been kicked out of therapy for different reasons.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? It’s what they expect. it’s what they set up. It’s a way of saying to themselves, “See? Nobody loves me.” And when you give that to them, we perpetuate the cycle of disconnection. I mean socially. We all create this society. I don’t want to live in a disconnected, violent, self-destructive, sick society, but when we do that to each other, that’s exactly what we create.

The most important thing that I give to people is a sanctuary. No judgment, no gossip, no comparisons, no need to defend - just a safe place to be as they are. And that’s a little weird at first, but once they accept that all is well, for some people, I don’t have to do a whole lot else. They figure it out. Healing happens. It just does.

The Surviving to Thriving community is just that. it’s a virtual sanctuary where people can figure out who they are, be themselves, and share themselves without having to be perfect, beautiful, successful, or young. Who you are right now is just perfect. 

Now I am sure that some of you might say, “Well, I’ve been trying to love my person with an eating disorder or a gambling addiction and it hasn’t helped.” to that I say, that it’s up to them to heal. You can’t do it for them. You can only offer unconditional positive regard.

And unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean that they get whatever they want. That’s destructive - especially when it’s a child….

It doesn’t mean bailing them out of their messes. People need consequences…

It doesn’t mean that you have no boundaries… Someone who didn’t get nurturing as a child probably also didn’t get healthy boundaries so giving them healthy boundaries will help them to feel safe. Nobody is going to let their guard down and feel the love if there is no safety. If you are struggling with that, go check out the podcast on Anxiety. I share some tips for how to self-regulate and get started with creating your own safety.

Because the most important part of this is that THEY HAVE TO HEAL THEMSELVES. Nobody can give anybody that. The best doctor, therapist, or healing in the world doesn’t heal anybody. They just give the person the means to heal themselves. It takes energy and power to heal and that has to come from the person with the imbalance.

So what’s this got to do with the sacred wheel? It’s about being whole. If you take any necessary ingredient away from the whole, we get imbalance. If the timing is off, we can’t be healthy. So, that I mean is, if we put down seeds in the winter, they won’t mature. It’s not time for planting. It’s time for resting.  And we can always bring things back into balance. 

If you didn’t get good nurturing and safety as a child, I’m sorry. And it’s not too late to get that now. We all need safety, food, water, shelter, clothing - that’s Earth and winter. We all need a safe place to try out our wings, to learn and grow, to explore. That’s Air and spring. As we mature, we get to know who we are, be who we are, and love who we are. We get to do things that express ourselves. That’s Fire and summer. Then we get to develop our connections with others, be good neighbors, and have great relationships. We get to deepen our emotional lives and explore existential topics. Love really blossoms here. That’s water and fall. 

None of that can really happen well and in a meaningful way without that firm foundation of Winter - that safety. It happens in a circle, a cycle. Each part depends on the part before. It goes around and around, deepening and growing every time we go around the wheel. 

Everything can be learned, but you’ve got to focus on the right thing at the right time. The order of operations matters big time. You can’t thrive if you have no roots. Making tons of money or having a great title won’t fill the void created by a fear of abandonment. Compulsive eating, drinking, gambling, or sex won’t make you feel good because that goodness comes from inside. We all have it inside, and you have to learn how to see that light inside, strengthen it, and use that for your fuel. We all do.

So, I’m glad you’re here. Keep listening and taking what works for you. I promise you, all you need is found in the sacred wheel. So, thanks for tuning in. If you like the podcast, review the podcast, subscribe, or write me a comment. It keeps the love chain going and assures that the podcast can hang around to help you and others. I’m Laura Giles. Thanks, guys. See you next week!