Am I Worthy?

Am I Worthy? 

Isn’t it strange that in America, you can meet a stranger and within a few minutes, one of you asks the other what you do? That strikes me as the equivalent of dogs sniffing each other’s butts when they meet. It’s like, “I have to get all in your business and check you out to find out where we rank on the totem pole, and the yardstick is your job.” And by inference, that also includes your education level and how much money you make. 

Does that strike you as strange, too? It’s no wonder why so many people question, “Am I worthy?” We’re always being judged. This starts from a very young age, and I don’t think it ever stops.

In this podcast, we’re going to look at the question “Am I worthy?” I hope that by the end of it, you start to see all the ways that you engage in judging and devaluing others and separating yourself from other people. I also hope that when you question, “Am I worthy?” you will be able to confidently say “yes” and feel that deep in your bones.

Hey everybody. I’m Laura Giles, the host of this weekly podcast that aims to help people live a more purposeful life by learning how to be more connected. You see, lots of studies have shown that connection is the spice of life. The Rat park study showed that if rats are given the choice between connection and an endless supply of drugs, they choose love. The Rosetto Effect showed that a strong sense of community is more important to longevity and health than clean air, healthy food, and avoiding smoking. Incredible, right? And the Surgeon General’s report says that in 2016 only 30% of Americans said they could trust other Americans. That’s down from 45% in 1970. 

If we are not connected to each other and we don’t trust each other, it makes total sense to size each other up and view other people based upon their accomplishments and appearances, right? But the thing is, when we do that to other people, we also do that to ourselves! Yes! What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? I mean, if I expect you to be flawless, without a wrinkle or gray hair or extra pound, then I must hold myself to the same standard, right? 

So, what will my life look like? It’s probably a grind of to do lists and checklists that I am not meeting. If I didn’t exercise today, didn’t enroll my kid in travel soccer, and didn’t get my lawn trimmed, I am probably beating myself up for not living up to this wonder girl image in my head. If I don’t go to the country club and take beautiful selfies to post on social media to show everyone how happy and carefree I am, I am failing to sustain my image. And I might feel like a failure because I don’t have social proof. Social proof is likes, follows, high fives, and a lot of social engagement. 

A lot of people gauge their self-worth from stuff like that. It could be that all they really want to do is go fishing on the weekend or sit at home in a baseball hat and t-shirt and eat some barbecue with the neighbors. 

Let me tell you something. There is nothing wrong with you for liking what you like and doing what you do. What’s wrong is the yardstick by which we value things. “Am I worthy” isn’t about what you look like. Your hair, clothes, size, and makeup are fine. Manufacturers feed off insecurities to sell you stuff. Please open your eyes to this and find the strength to say, “No, thank you.” Not to mention that many bath and body products are toxic, so it’s best to go natural and leave all that perfumey stuff alone.

Another way we answer the question, “Am I worthy” is with money. What car you drive, what title you hold, and how much bling you have. I think this is a throwback from the days when people were born into their social class and didn’t have the opportunity or social permission to change their status. America changed that when we threw off the aristocracy and said that a man or woman could determine their own destiny, but you know that it’s common for people who are on top to want to stay on top. So, lots of people who made it get there and then look down on other people. that’s the kind of mentality that sustains classism. If you’re doing this, notice it. If someone is doing this to you, notice it and cry BS. Even if you only do it inside, don’t let that programing impact the way you feel about yourself.

I have been doing a fair amount of guesting on other people’s podcasts and blogs and one of the questions I was asked recently was something like, “What makes you special?” It felt like I was being asked to justify my existence. What makes me special? Being me makes me special. Being you makes you special. We’re all born with an amazing spark. We all have our own energy and way of shining that only we can do. That’s enough. 

And that’s what “Am I worthy?” is all about, really. It’s about knowing that. It’s about embodying that. When we ask people to prove themselves, it’s coming from a judging, not trusting place. 

So, I answered that question with just what I said. What makes me special is that I was born me. Nobody can do what I do. I have a lot of useful skills that help me help people get unstuck. I’ve seen a lot of amazing, beautiful places where I can show people when I host retreats, but that’s not what makes me special. If there is no relationship, all I am offering people is a product or service. Lots of people have that. Lots of people are offering car detailing, food, or widgets. I enjoy engaging with those whom I have a relationship with. 

So, if you want to feel worthy, if you want others to feel worthy in your presence, cultivate the relationship first and the product or service second. Nobody can help everybody. I have had clients rave about me and refer their friends, but we don’t click in the same way. It doesn’t make them or me bad or unworthy. It’s just that we didn’t have that same relationship for whatever reason. 

Another way that we judge someone’s worthiness or our own is through the people we affiliate with. It’s like, “if you are big, rich, beautiful or important, I can know you. If you’re not, I don’t want to be seen with you.” This is a huge contributor to why it’s horrible to age in America. If you have wrinkles, extra weight, or are not traditional what is seen as attractive, you make less money, have a harder time being hired, and are treated like you don’t have the same value as other people.

Again, if you notice yourself doing this, you might want to consider stopping. If you notice it happening to you, reject that. We see ourselves reflected in each other’s eyes. It can be tempting to see rejection and low worth and accept it as truth. It’s not true. Every star in the sky is different, and each one is valuable. If you have something unique going on in your life, it could be that that is how you are being called to shine. 

Take Lizzie Velasquez, for instance. She was born with a condition that impacted her eyes, heart, and bones. It also keeps her from gaining weight. One day she woke up to a meme on social media that called her the “ugliest woman in the world.” After she got over the shock, she found the courage to confront it head on and educate people about body positivity and kindness. 

Trust me, whatever you think is wrong with you, it’s not wrong. And when you remember your inner spark, it shines in a way that others will see it, too. That’s the real problem. We’re all born happy, curious, and loving, and then life happens. We start with the whole competition, judging and worry about “am I worthy?” We start to contort ourselves into something that we are not and don’t feel that light inside anymore. 

I’m sorry that that happened to Lizzie Velasquez, but I am glad that it inspired her to become a YouTube star where she can reach a huge audience and say, “Kindness is free. You are good enough, and I am, too.” I think it probably lands a little differently when she says it because you know she knows what she’s talking about. 

When the interviewer asked me about what makes me special, I felt like it was time to pitch myself or to sell myself, and I didn’t want to do that. It felt like I was competing with others to outshine them so that I could be validated. Frankly, I don’t care what the interviewer thinks, and I am not going to pimp myself for publicity or to be liked. I encourage you to do the same.

When we start lying about our age, our job, or exaggerating our performance, or putting ourselves on display, we’re playing into the game that it’s okay to have this hierarchical system where some people are more valuable than others. If you are considering hiring me and want success stories about my work or to see what I can do, that’s totally reasonable, but to judge me as a person based upon what I do, where I live, how I live, or my education, no. There are lots of ignorant people with degrees and lots of intelligent people without them. I think we all have value regardless of those things because self-worth isn’t about any of those things. 

Some people will always be more attractive than others, more skilled than others, or have more money than others. That doesn’t take away from who we are or what we have to offer. Self-worth is a knowing that “I am greater than any external thing. I am valuable. I am lovable, necessary to this life, and have immeasurable worth.”

So, what do you do if you ask yourself, “Am I worthy?” and you aren’t at a full body ‘yes.” I’ll share some tips next.

The first thing I would say is that if you have a trauma history, heal that first. Trauma is like a puma waiting in the dark to spring on you. You never know when it’s going to come out or how much damage it might wreak, but you know he’s there because you have this constant feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

You might make some progress with this guy in your life, but you won’t get far. This is an order of operations thing. It’s not sexy to go back to the beginning and dig up the past, but trauma is a pay-me-now, or pay-me-later type of thing. You have to deal with it sometime. The sooner you get it behind you, the earlier you can get started on creating a life that you love.

A lot of people think that if they have a relationship issue, they need relationship counseling, and maybe they do. But this is why self-help is a billion dollar industry. We’re not getting to the root of the matter. So maybe you’re okay for a year or ten years, but either the relapse happens, or you white knuckle it through life rather than living life. So, I’d suggest that you get those trauma triggers behind you. I’m happy to help with that. I used to offer a free fifteen minute consultation, but people were knocking out their issues in a few minutes so I can’t do that anymore, but there is a video on my YouTube channel where you can see how fast and painless it can be.

Living in your strength and power requires trust, and you can’t trust if you are carrying trauma. You can’t be a healthy partner and connection is where happiness lies, so knock out that trauma.

The next thing I would say is to learn some skills. I can tell you, “You are not your job” but blah, blah, blah. If your head gets it, but your heart doesn’t, it’s a big fat, “so what?” It’s got to go skin deep to have meaning for you. You need to know what to do when you don’t get the job and your brain says, “Am I worthy?” You need to know what to do when you show up to an event unprepared and you feel out of place. Instead of going straight to, “I’m an idiot. I don’t belong here.” you need to have a Plan B. Skills do that for you. 

They help you to first notice the pattern, then interrupt the pattern, and do something more effective that doesn’t have that negative self-talk attached to it. I see a lot of people in therapy who don’t change. It makes them feel better to have someone to talk to and who seems to care, but they aren’t actually doing anything to help themselves.

You’ve got to practice skills so that they become healthy habits. We sleepwalk through most of our lives. We don’t think about getting up, brushing our teeth, and having breakfast. We just do it without thinking. We do it out of habit. If we have poor, unhealthy habits, we have to make them conscious so that we can change them. 

An example of a skill is the ability to say no. Sounds easy, right? Lots of people can’t say no appropriately. You don’t need permission. You don’t need an excuse. You don’t have to negotiate. No is a complete sentence. Don’t let yourself be guilt tripped into changing your mind if you are a full-bodied no. It’s okay to say no and let go of what that means for someone else.

Another example of a skill is to validate other people. I think we’re socialized to treat life like a competition. We have to win at everything. If we’re having a conversation, we have to have the last word or one up the other person. We can disguise it as sharing and connecting, but it feels different, doesn’t it? If you give the other person the limelight and validate them, it helps you both to feel connected and helps them to feel appreciated and seen. It gives them a sense of safety with you.

We’re always co-regulating because everything is energetic. I am vibrating at a frequency and so are you. If you are calm and happy in my presence, I’m probably going to be calm and happy in yours. So, it pays to validate people. It all comes back to you. But don’t do it for what you get in return. Do it because you sincerely mean what you say. Everyone can feel a phony. If it’s real, when you feel that warmth and positive energy, you will know that you had a hand in creating it, and that will give you some positive feedback that you are worthy. Not because of what you did, but because of who you are. You did what you did because of who you are.

So, that leads me to the third tip, which is to practice being a human being vs. a human doing. The more we can separate our identity from what we do, the higher our self-regard tends to be. If I get fired or not hired for a position, I’m less likely to get depressed, kick myself, or act out in any way if I don’t identify with my job or my performance. If I am worthy, I am always worthy regardless of whether I look like a million bucks or just rolled out of bed. I am worthy at 10 and 100. I am worthy with kids or without them. I am worthy whether I am partnered or solo. None of it matters, so life becomes a choice, not a command performance.

See how much easier and happier life can be when you know your worth?

Once you have some skills, you can get to know yourself. This is where self-worth really has a chance to grow. You see, there are three stages in life: crisis, growth, and maintenance. Trauma is a crisis stage. You can’t grow from there. You can only tread water and hope that you have enough reserves to hold on before the next wave comes.

Coping means that you aren’t in danger of drowning, but you’re still using a lot of energy to get through the day. When you have good coping skills, you have fewer problems because you can handle what comes your way easily. Life is always going to have problems, but how much you struggle depends on your resources and coping skills. If I have a flat tire and have no jack, no spare, no phone, and no skills to change a tire, I am probably in a crisis situation. If I have a flat tire and have everything I need to change a tire and the ability to do so, it’s a short delay. 

When you’re not putting out fires all day, you can start getting to know yourself. Who are you aside from your material things, your relationships, and what you do? Isn’t that a juicy question? Do you have any answers? 

You definitely exist without all that stuff. If your house burned down, your family all died, and you lost your job, you would still be here. Who is that person? What lights up that person? What would happen if your life were a reflection of that? What would it look like?

When you walk in your self-worth, some things will change. You say goodbye to people pleasing, not because you don’t care about other people, but because you care about being true to yourself more. You don’t get thrown off by bad reviews, people who don’t like you, and people who don’t get you. You control how you feel about yourself and you’re not willing to give that power away. You also aren’t swayed by the media, advertising, or pop culture. You decide what’s important to you and choose based on your own internal drives.

Now obviously that is going to take some strength, right? We’re in the Summer. Summer is the season of Vibing. It’s all about Me. The element is fire and fire is power. Power is balanced by responsibility, so you’re right on time. It’s the season to step up and claim that power and responsibility.

In fact, that’s one of the things that is going to help you more than anything. I call it Radical Responsibility. It’s basically a “buck stops here” attitude. It’s the idea that everything that happens to me is my responsibility. I call it “radical” because I really do mean everything. That doesn’t mean that every negative thing that happens is my fault. It means that everything is an opportunity to learn and grow, and what happens next is up to me.

For example, it’s rare that I get upset with people, but it happened once. This person was behaving in a way that didn’t make me feel good. I’m thinking to myself, “She has a right to do what she wants.” I am free to guide my life, so she has that same power, right? So, I didn’t go to her saying, “Hey, you can’t do that” or “you’re hurting my feelings” or “I feel like this because you did that.”

Rather than making it about her and what she was doing, I leaned into my own discomfort. I felt my feeling and explored my discomfort. Remember, radical responsibility means I am taking responsibility for my discomfort, not making it about her. So, I got straight with myself and never had a conversation with her. Not because I was avoiding conflict, but because it was never really about her. She was just holding up a mirror for me to see something in myself. 

Dealing with it in that way helped me to stay in a place of “I am worthy/you are worthy” because there was no blaming or judging. I think it’s a way to keep growing and to stay safe because I am never putting my happiness or life in anyone else’s hands. 

But let’s say that it was something where I was clearly the wounded party. Let’s say that I am stood up for an appointment. This could be personal or professional, but the other person doesn’t call and doesn’t show. I showed up, so I did my part. How could I take responsibility for this? I could call and make sure that there wasn’t a miscommunication about time or place. I could accept that the person isn’t coming. If I need them for something, I could figure out a way to get what I need without them. If this is a long-standing pattern of behavior, I could accept it and choose not to trust them with my time anymore. None of those options involved anger, outbursts, judging, or losing trust in myself. 

Summer is definitely a time to explore who you are and to rediscover your true self, your inner light, and let that shine. If you don’t give yourself time or space to be, give it a try. Don’t think of it as selfish. You bless the world with your true self. We all do. If you are wearing a mask or are buried beneath a to do list, you aren’t here. Be here. 

You are worthy. But you have to know that. It has to come from within. that’s why we call it self-worth. If you could buy it on a shelf, we’d all have it. If you need some support for the journey, join my free group. We’re the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with and the group models what it looks like to be safe, respectful, and vulnerable. Those are really great things to learn. If you have a boo boo, you need to get out of the way because you’re stuck, ring me up. That’s my specialty. We can probably knock it out very fast. 

Nature has order. It has rhythm. When we live in harmony with it, life flows. What it’s calling on you to do is show up. You have to stand in your power and know that you are worthy of doing that. If you have any tips that I didn’t share, let us know in the comments. I’d love to hear your story of how you went from “Am I worthy” to “I am worthy.” thanks or listening guys. See you next week.